Life During Wartime

Uh,Oh!?!

The Void

Falling asleep, I am scared of the void.

In deep sleep, I no longer fear the void though I am in it.

Waking, I am scared of the void.

Cookie...Mmmmm

Enough seriousness for one day.

I don't really like fortune cookies...What does it all mean?!?

You Are a Fortune Cookie

You're a rather normal person, except that you have extraordinary luck in life. People want to be around you (even when they're a little sick of you), in hopes of being lucky too!

What Kind of Cookie Are You?

No Vision

What the hell. We might just as well ban people from the freaking planes. Wouldn't that solve all our problems?

Please...people in charge...understand the problem, test solutions, fix the problem.

Repeat as needed.

A Thought

The distance between two points is the size of a metaphorical heart.

A Way

It bears repeating, as many times as necessary, like a mantra.

If we realize that suffering is what we have when we desire, then perhaps being content is a counter-action to desire.

A Wise Man

A once not so wise man said:

Persist in the face of failure.

A wiser man said:

Turn a seeming disadvantage into an advantage.

Possibilities

Forgive me for yesterday's post. Although a true statement of my feelings, it was done in a moment of weakness.

If possible, you should help others.

If that is not possible, at least you should do no harm.

If that is not possible, consult time, place and situation to determine action.

If that is not possible, consult your body.

The Lost World

You know, I'm getting a little fucking tired of these guys.

Listen, you are going to make even bleeding heart apologist liberals want to blow you, your fucking insane ideology and the earth you walk on clear out of this world.

So stop. Now. Fuck.

Content

If we realize that suffering is what we have when we desire, then perhaps being content is a counter-action to desire.

If we realize that in desiring we are searching for contentendness, then why not just be content from the start.

Daily Practice Part 4

Summary of Daily Practice.

Part 4:

Divide the self into two.

Divide the self into two - the real self and the other, automatic person. Examine motives through self-observation and notice when actions proceed from habit or automatic behaviour. Slow down.

Daily Practice Part 3

Summary of Daily Practice.

Part 3:

Become aware that one truth in life is suffering.

Everyone goes through pain whether physical or mental. What we experience as pleasure, is mostly a diminishment of pain. We are in the habit of reacting automatically; we become addicted to feeling good instead of realizing that it is always temporary and thus may be a habit from which we need to see that it occurs and free ourselves. This is not to say that we should abandon actions that make us feel good, just abandon the notion that the feeling is innate in the thing. Eating one chocolate bar is pleasurable to me. Eating seven chocolate bars becomes painful. It is not the chocolate bar that gives pleasure or pain. The chocolate bar is meaningless. The actions and intentions are meaningful. Eat one intsead of seven and realize that it is temporary.

The Silent Minority

I just took a closer look at the Maps function on my blog.

Wow.

Um, thank you very much.

Advice To A Friend Part 3

Question everything. Even the advice given to you and especially those who give the advice. Use your own talents! Use your own brain! It's all there, waiting to be used. What are you waiting for?

Advice To A Friend Part 2

It is not useful (well not too useful) to be constantly pulled two ways or more.

It is not useful to have energy dissipated by attempting to be more than one person.

Follow your own advice dammit.

Physician, heal thyself.

Daily Practice Part 2

Summary of Daily Practice.

Part 2:

Abandon non-virtuous behaviour.

These include the easy (wel for most) things like killing and stealing but also acts such as sexual misconduct, lying, divisive talk, harsh speech, senseless chatter, covetousness, wrong views and perhaps most importantly but most miss-understood, harmful intent.

Daily Practice Part 1

Summary of Daily Practice.

Part 1:

Examine your motives.

Continuously ask yourself why am I doing, saying, thinking the way I am doing, saying and thinking. Examine not just the good parts but the bad and the vague and the sharp too.

Questions And Answers, Sometimes

People ask me why I ask questions on this blog but sometimes don't answer them.

Uh, it's because I don't know the answer and it beats sitting at a barstool, leaning over a brew and asking the drunk next to me.

Well, only just.

Remedial Philosophy

Is it possible to create art that says absolutely nothing about the artist? If this were possible, would the art have any usefulness to the artist or viewer?

Never Again

...the end of World War 2 on May 8, 1945 meant little except that the bombing came to an end; the killing went on...

From The Struggle For Europe by William I. Hitchcock, Anchor Books, New York, 2003, page 8.

The killing always goes on, whether there is war or not. Since Cain and Abel and probably even before that to our primordial ancestors, trampling each other in a mad effort to ooze out of the pre-historic slime.

Subtext

"Tom, how badly do you feel?"
"I don't know. How badly can you feel?"

From Islands In The Stream by Ernest Hemingway, Scribners, New York, 2004, 14th printing, page 335.

Dead Birds

I work in a moderately tall building for the area it is in. Eight stories high but set in a residential area but also facing a vast empty lot that borders a highway. I am one of those lucky enough to have a cubicle next to a window and am able to see the sun and clouds and constant coming and going of cars in the parking lot. Because the building is in a residential neighborhood there are many trees with many birds living among them. The birds see to be extremely attracted to the windows in my building because every day I hear them crashing into the floors above and below me. Once in awhile I even see they hit near me. This is a perfect symbol for my existence in this building.

Grass

You know, I have these amazingly insightful and wise thoughts whenever I'm cutting (mowing) the grass (lawn) - see I'm bilingual - it's just that I can never remember them once I've stopped.

Then again, the above may be the full extent of these superb thoughts. How would I know...I can't remember.

Doe Do

Mike Doe said:

"Our perception of time is not accurate.

Flowers do not decay, they are eaten.

Water does not flow downhill. The actions of two bodies with non-zero mass (ie. The earth and the water) causes a distortion of space-time such that the two bodies move towards each other.

Sometimes our perceptions are just not accurate reflections of reality.

When a leaf falls off a tree the earth will be drawn to the leaf and the leaf to the earth. If the leaf was the size of the earth it would be an equal match. Since the leaf is much smaller than the earth the earth tends to stay put.

That is the physics.

The rest is our intepretation of what we perceive. It is workable but it is not accurate."

Always try to look beyond the surface. That's where the treasure lies.

Time Passages

Why am I not so different from yesterday but so different from tomorrow? What am I waiting for?

Am I Going Insane

Insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time.

So change the doing, or better yet, change the expectation.

Failure

Today I realized that though twenty years may go by and another twenty again, we can keep on making the same life mistake. The mistake is warm and cozy, like an old favourite sweater, and it is thus so much easier to put it on and fail rather than buy a new one and fail.

The Island And The Stream

Reading Hemingway's Islands In The Stream...A book about Hemingway talking to himself through too similar characters. The end was near.

Stabbed In The Back

The past and future of a right-wing myth.

The Veil

Nothing like a good dose of cold rain water on a hot day to remember that reality is just there, floating above the illusion, just reach out and draw your perception of the firmament away...

Going Nowhere But Arriving Somewhere

Today I left my home at 6:30 am, flew over 7000 kilometres, saw 3 airports and their surroundings, the flat fields of the mid-west, the rockies, the great and not so great lakes and 3 great cities (from the air), only to arrive back home moments ago. Boy are my arms tired. Badaboom.

What would my ancestors have thought.

Beer Thoughts

Overheard in a local bar:

"I'm not asking about the truth. I'm asking about what you perceive to be the truth. After all, the truth is immaterial. It's what you believe that counts."

Too Much Thinking

Is the contemplation of what is considered an immoral act in the society/culture one participates in, the same as the performing of the immoral act?

And when is the immoral act justifiable?

And how do you make sure the justifications are truthful/right/correct?

Anti-Koyaanisqatsi

Today everything worked in unison. I accepted my weaknesses and strengths, and in accepting, moved beyond them. Strangely, I can't seem to find the Hopi word for life in balance on the internet though...

The Stillness

the stillness
of the mind
after a good rest

Good To Be Home

I loved being on vacation, but I must admit, it's good to be home.

Vacation

Well, it's time for a vacation. A real one, with beach and pool and drinks and the life-giving sun and water. After the last few months of confusion, we really need it. See you all when I'm a bit more tanned (or in about a week).

Pictures Of You

If only I'd thought of the right words...

Inappropriate Thoughts

I'm burning today. And it's not just the heat.

Silencer

I shut it all off today. Phones, computers, TV, radio, stereo, books and newspapers. All of it. The silence was splendid. The world felt more real as I opened my senses to it rather than inundating myself with what basically amounts to noise. Some great noise (I still love music and books), but still noise.

The Grays

I wonder...In this day and age and time...Who is more delusional:

The person who knows they have been abducted by aliens.

Or...

The person who knows they have not been adbucted by aliens.

Pleasures Of This World

One way to control temptation, I suppose, is to give in to it. Revel in the enticing whatever and eventually it too becomes banal. Then you move on to the next temptation. Eventually, once you have enjoyed all the pleasures of this world, you may be able to move on to the next one.

Again

Lots of wasted energy again today. These bouts seem to occur far too regularly to be coincidence or just plain laziness. They are also extremely boring to keep talking about here. Must see A.

Love Will Find A Way

I went to sleep humming the song Love Will Find A Way by Yes. I dreamt and in the dream I heard the same song. When I awoke this morning, guess which song was on the radio...Yes. Not sure what this means if anything. probably just a coll coincidence. Because I don't even like that particular song.

Big Guy

There are may levels of 'bigness'.

Spiritual, mental, physical and probably a few others I've missed.
I believe that being 'big' in one or two aspects creates 'bigness' in the overall person.

Or so I keep telling myself...

NIMBY

My backyard sometimes is just as bad as my neighbours, sometimes even worse. Lots of mosquitos. The thing is, my backyard is so small and insignificant in many ways, that it seems there is only my neighbour's backyard to talk and complain about. My neighbour's backyard takes up so much physical, mental and spiritual space that it sometime usurps any mindful thinking of my own backyard. I mean, my neighbour's backyard is so full of shubbery that I'm alnost certain that all the mosquitos are coming from there. And sometime I believe I like it that way. This also is not good. After all, I really have no idea where all these mosquitos are really coming from.

Primary

Why hasn't this story about Robert F. Kennedy Jr. suing Diebold, the makers of the election machines in Ohio, been given more notice in mainstream media? I mean, it's only about an election in the worlds' only remaining superpower. It's only about cheating and stealing, things we tell our children not to do...or do we? If you think that in todays corporate world, that things don't get done by politics and old-boys networks in spite of the Enron's of the world...well, just come work for my company and see the greed at a lower level...

Kindness

Sometimes, it's better to be kind than to be right.

Metempsychosis

Happy Bloomsday everyone! Enjoy it in spite of it all.

End Of Days

Slightly ironic that this is posted today of all days. And sad, too.

Attachment

Attachment can equal death.

Sad Day

There is one thing (probably among many) the neo-conservative and the terrorist has in common...they have both been brought up to look no farther than their own nose.

Sugar And Spice

I found myself telling my youngest daughter recently that sometimes little boys show that they like little girls in unusual ways, such as teasing them or calling them names. Then it struck me...might we be creating women who accept abuse (in at least its verbal form) later on in life by using such stories so early on...

Reasonably Unreasonable

Today I was told that I was being reasonably unreasonable. I assume they meant that my polite yet firm manner in saying no to a request was annoying the hell out of them. Suits me.

And You And I

The universe is not here for you or me. The universe just is. You and I, though, are here for each other and so we should act like it.

To A Friend

No one should have to be an emotional yo-yo for anyone. Stop giving that other person the control. Listen to yourself because you actually do know the difference between what is right and what is wrong; you just choose to ignore that voice. Just let go and it will find you.

Baser Nature

Sometimes the journey feels like one step forward, two steps back. I realize that this is as cliche as you can get but it is nevertheless true.

Tonight it felt more like ten steps back as my baser nature took control, no that's not right, better to be honest, I allowed my baser nature to come forward and manifest itself in all its (my) pre-historic, fight or flight glory.

I just wouldn't let go... and that can be very dangerous for all involved.

So, one way to deal with it is to own up: Yes, it was my fault.

Next is to examine why: Because I wanted a confrontation.

Next is to apologize, preferably publically: I'm sorry.

Last is to let it go: There, it's gone.

Crime As Art

KEVIN JACKSON: Certain parts of the book (Cocaine Nights) advance rather unorthodox ideas about crime: that crime cements a community and that, in more concrete terms, it can be seen as a kind of performance art.

JG BALLARD: Well, the main character has stumbled on a way of waking people up. Life for them becomes keener, sharper, and so these people become more prepared to explore their own imaginations. They’re no longer passive. I’m not suggesting we should all leave our doors unlocked; or that we should burgle our neighbours, who, enriched by the experience, will then bring the violin down from the attic and entertain us with a string quartet… Rather, I think we need to look at the world we inhabit and see how these social aggressions are manufactured. It may be that a civilised life comes at a price.

This monoculture that is emerging, a world of noisy, intruding horror: you just want to get on with what you’re doing, which is nothing. These security-suburbs are a way of shutting out the world, like static on a TV set. The British, especially, have retreated into their own homes. We’re obsessed with a material space where we can define all the elements that make up our lives."

Emphasis mine.

From an interview with J.G. Ballard, summer 1997.

Shared Humanity

Shared humanity.

The act of being human and all that conjures up is what we share.

The Punisher

In honour of X-Men 3 coming out in theaters and Superman ready to go later this summer, I thought it was time to get a little less serious.

So, what gritty comic book character are you?

The Greatest Game

Good. A Canadian team is in the Stanley Cup playoffs. As it should be. Go Oilers!

Division Of Attention Part 2

Another thought following from yesterday's experience:

How to not lose spontaneity which, in my mind, can be integral to a warm and pleasurable part of a communication process.

The division of attention and subsequent self-examination can make the interactions be in danger of having a robotic feel.

Division Of Attention

Easy, easy...My head was about to insert itself so far up my posterior that it was in danger of disappearing completely.

Stopping, having a part of myself (was it my consciousness? ego? my real self?) step outside of the conversation (time?) and observe what was happening helped to bring about the realization that I was being a) an ass, b) insufferable, c) a braggart, and d) really annoying. All at the same time.

So the steps taken were:

1: Have a part of myself stop participating in the interactions and step outside of the moment.
2: Observe myself as I was interacting.
3: Observe others in interaction with myself.
4: Make necessary changes to behaviour in accordance with previously defined rules. For simplicity's sake one golden rule was used: be polite.

That's when I started to change, almost a transformation as the inward change manifested itself in outward conduct and mannerisms. I realized that I was far happier this way even though I was far more interesting (I thought) the other way.

It was then remarkable how when I changed, the others changed as well. Sometimes the change was as subtle as a slight shifting in body position that looked like a release of tension and was confirmed as such through more overt examples such as smiles (quicker), hand gestures (more physical touching), tone of voice (slightly lower, less quivers) and eyes (more direct contact). Overall the interactions became somewhat smoother and slightly of more substance as people started to relax and trust.

Things still to do:

1: Understand which part of me stepped out of time (so to speak).
2: Practice this division of attention.
3: Further define the rules for behavior.

Sunshiny Day

After two solid weeks of cloudy skies and rain, I woke up to a shiny, sunny day. It's amazing what a little sunlight can do for your mood. Makes you wonder about attachment to things you can not control. Wow, my first post in the daylight hours in a very long time!

Today's listening pleasure: Holly Cole, The Best of the Holly Cole Trio. Love the power and yet subtlety in that voice, love the simplicity in the instrumentation that still drives the song forward, love the whole of the seemingly simplistic parts.

Quiet

Couldn't sleep last night. Anxiety attacks. Things left undone and unsaid weigh upon the mind and soul and manifest in the body.

Lately I've been trying a technique to clear the mind from the constant noise it produces. It is focusing on literally nothing, trying to still the mind so that no thoughts come through at all. It's not exactly turning the mind off as it is just quieting it. Hard to explain, but it does help me sleep.

Last night was difficult and it was very hard to focus. I know (of course, as do we all if we are honest with ourselves) what needs to be done to avoid the anxiety in the first place but the trick is doing it. A sad refrain in my life.

Big Screen TV

Today I harvested the fruit of my physical labours.

Tomorrow I start to seed again, again.

As long as you're willing to pay the price, you can do pretty much anything. The thing is, the price may not be what you think it will be*.

*I know I've said this before but I believe it bears repeating.

Thank You Universe

Some days you try your best to let things slip. Today was one of those days. Luckily the day seemed to re-start every time I tripped over myself to let things slide. Whatever sorry-ass action I attempted, whether starting to yell, feel sorry for myself, sniff, cough, look forlorn, burn toast, scratch and talk, the day seemed to rewind and resume from a proper place. The universe is ready to help if only we'll let it. By universe, I mean all of us, sentient, animals, vegetation, insects, rock and earth, fire and water, air and sky and everything else.

A Good Day

Today was a good day. Spent time with the children. Felt like I gave a good life lesson to my son (and he actually absorbed it). I feel complete right now; like my proper work has been accomplished for this day at least.

The Untold Story Is Still Untold, Sorry

I haven't written about A. in a while. Mostly it's been from an irrational moral cowardice of some kind. Much like those natives who feared losing their souls to cameras, I am somewhat scared of writing about her and causing risk to her essence. It's partly from being tired. It's partly from not wanting to. I will write more about her in the future because she's worth it and the story needs to be told. I know; them's fightin' words!

The Lie

Why does the lie sometimes come so easily to the mouth. It gets out into the world before the brain even has time to register what was said. From what part of the body/mind/soul is the lie coming from.

I'd better stop drinking now.

Deep Thoughts While Eating Donuts

It's funny how the body tells you what you should be doing. It started with a slight headache while at work and spending far too much time looking at a computer screen. It then developed into a migraine on the way home through horrific traffic and even more horrific news reports. It then finally ended up with me sleeping for twelve hours straight, something I haven't done since an infant. Yet still I'm not up to speed today. That's because the underlying issues resulting in the too much computer time, not changing the station while in the car and others remain. Like any good physician will tell you, you need to cure the disease, not the symptom.

Rebellion

In every activity I do for my employer I place one small, tiny flaw.

It's my (probably immature) way of "stickin' it to the man".

Rebellion is the first flaw.

The Trouble With Normal

The more I think about what might be normal, the more I think there is no such thing.

Today's listening pleasure: Bruce Cockburn - Stealing Fire. Excellent lyrically, accessible musically, Cockburn loses some of the Canadian tree hugging hippy persona and goes global. A personal yet highly political album that doesn't sound so strange even 20 years later. You know, a lot of the same characters are still around in political circles all over the world. The more things change...

Easy

It would be so easy...A stolen moment, a kiss and a smile. Then...paradise lost.

Intensity

Someone told me I'm scary when I'm intense. Tonight I was so focused on what needed to be done because we were undermanned that it was absolutely imperative to be so intensely focused and determined. It's funny, because on the one hand in this society we're told to work hard, be strong, be single-minded, firm, dogged and be focused on the task at hand. Then we get heck for being too freakin' intense.

Connections

If this blog does anything for anyone else, I would love for it to make connections between disparate peoples and cultures. I realize that this is an aim that may be beyond my abilities at this point in time, but I'm certain that if I don't make the attempt, no matter the ineptness, it probably won't happen. The idea is to not have my ineptness damage the connection or possibilities for connections.

Certainty And Doubt

Sometimes I'll randomly pull a book from the shelf and open up to a random page and read a paragraph, hoping that the universe has somehow chosen wisely.

This evening this is what I read:

It was not freedom which the industrial era had lost - for technology was ultimately a liberating force - but certainty. While the Renaissance, which Lawrence so much despised, had introduced rational enlightenment, it had also introduced doubt, which he would later call 'our modern crown of thorns'.

Michael Asher - Lawrence: The Uncrowned King of Arabia, Penguin Books 1999, page 55.

Falling

It's usually the eyes that get me first. I'm hooked by their shape and colour and most especially the way they twinkle in a certain light and scrunch up to look at me with unabashed humour and fun. The rest is just falling.

Todays listening pleasure: Dire Straits, Romeo & Juliet from Making Movies. If you haven't heard one of the better songwriters in this or any year, you owe it to yourself to get a hold of Mark Knopfler's music somehow. Whether with Dire Straits or solo, his natural, bluesy, acoustically energetic guitar playing and seemingly effortless, romantic tunefullness will certainly make you a fan. Highly recommended.

I Stand On Guard For Thee

You know, I don't hate the U.S. Nor do I hate Canada or the U.K. or Europe or China or even Iran. I hate some of the things the political leaders of these countries do in defiance of all reason and mindfulness but I don't hate the people. I hate the way they have twisted basic moral and compassionate teachings to further their own commercial or idealogical ends but I don't hate the society or the culture. I hate the death perpetrated for "geo-strategic policy" but I don't hate the people. In fact I criticize and remain vigilant because I love. Isn't that basic parenting?

I Am Large And Contain Multitudes

I can love rock and jazz and classical. I can love action movies and romantic comedies and dark tragedies. I can love redheads and blondes and brunettes. I can love genre fiction and symbolist poetry and surrrealistic short stories and biographies. I can love spicy food and greek food and sushi and steak and quiche. I can laugh and cry and be mad and ponder and everything in between. And so can you.

The Search For God Part 2

To celebrate the uncelebratable.

To love the unloveable.

To feel the unfeeleable.

To use the unuseable.

To consider the inconsiderable.

To care for the uncareable.

To be gentle to the ungentle.

To be thoughtful to the unthoughtful.

To be helpful to the unhelpful.

To want the unwanted.

To give meaning to the meaningless.

To tend the untendable.

To nurse the un-nursable.

To unburden the burdened.

To wake the sleeping.

The Search For God

To express the inexpressible.

To describe the indescribable.

To define the undefinable.

To comprehend the incomprehensible.

To penetrate the impenetrable.

To determine the ineffable.

Words Of Wisdom

Think, protest and survive.

Sense And Senselessness

The smell of vinegar. That's what set me off the other day. It took a while for me to process the anger, think through the rage and fear and depression. It took some time and distance to observe myself and realize the real. The smell of vinegar. The fear now is that the intensity of feeling seems to be growing each time. It's not getting harder to control but it is taking longer to understand the sense and come out from under the senselessness. The smell of vinegar. Such a simple thing.

Out Of The Funk

Black-ass mood continued today so I don't feel much like talking. Hope tomorrow the cycle ends. Starting to wonder if I need pharmaceutical assistance as it's getting harder to snap myself out of the funk by the usual methods.

Black-Ass Mood

Recipe for a black-ass* mood.

Home invasion in the morning means I can't enjoy a saturday paper on the sunny porch. Errands then start too soon and I feel like I've been chased from my home. The children, sensing weakness, decide to not co-operate in any way. It continues with no lunch, shopping at the local super store with everyone else in town and no supper. To top it all off, a visit with the in-laws.

I know, I know. Get over yourself. Bet you had a freakin' good day though so you know where you can shove your advice.

*No slur or derogatory racist comment is intended by this phrase. Aplogies to anyone offended. Get over yourself.

Doing Right

Sometimes being a good parent and doing right by your children means swallowing the immature need to rectify the injustice of the past. Both yours and your childrens'.

Employee Motivation

All right, so I blew my cool today at work. I mean the day started OK, the kids co-operated in the morning, it was a bright sunny day and I had completed a task by 10am that I thought might take more than half the day. Then it happened. While discussing the financials of a project I'm involved in, I questioned one of my employees on a number that she is responsible for and is a key component of the assumptions I am working under. My questions was, I thought, fairly innocent and simple: while looking ata spreadhseet I asked "How did you come up with this number?" Her body immediately took a defensive stance and without saying anything she left my office muttering about the spreadsheet we were looking at. She came back about five minutes later, still defensive as her tone of voice indicated, and started asking me why I was looking at a particular spreadsheet and that I should always come to her when I need a number and she started going on about how hard it was to update the data and how I didn't understand what I was looking at and on and on. I listened and tried at the end (I thought) of her rant to give her some guidance on how to prepare and update the data with an example but she kept interrupting. No, not interrupting but not even listening to me. Every time I would try to start a sentence she would continue to speak, continue to complain how I didn't understand the difficulty she was under and on and on. Now, usually, I let her go on until she tires herself out and start my speach. To her credit, when she actually stops to listen she does retain what she's been told and usually does an excellent job. But today I grew so impatient because I could tell she felt I was accusing her of something and she simply would not stop talking. I finally raised my voice and talked over her. And boy did I raise my voice and ket her have it. She looked shocked but she listened. She even cried a little. Now I'm not exactly proud of making her cry but she needed the yelling. After a few minutes of me blowing my top we were able to get on the same page and have a productive discussion and eventually uncovered what I needed to uncover. She actually aplogized to me for not letting me talk and I aplogized for yelling. Later my boss, who had heard everything as his office was right next to mine, came in said that I was absolutely correct in everything I said and you sometimes do need to use different methods with certain people and that might even include yelling. I probably shouldn't have lost my cool but man was she ever annoying. Whew, just had to get that off my chest.

Cycles

There seem to be cycles to my life and they seem to follow an ambiguous path as it seems to be a roughly lunar one. This surprises me somewhat as I am not female. It also seems to affect less apparent phenomenon such as mood as much as facial hair growth. Is it some primordial tidal response in the blood? Or is it all in my head? Probably a bit of both.

As an aside, I seem to say that a lot: Probably a bit of both. Believe it or not, it is not an incapacity to make a decision but a realization that life is not black and white but multiple shades of all visible and invisible colours.

Brainstorm

The quality of the question determines the quality of the answer. I keep repeating that phrase like a mantra as I listen to my boss and try to understand what he is getting at in our discussion of a business case and the financials involved. Or maybe I'm just dense.

I think it might be too much Hawkwind. Today's listening pleasure: Space Ritual. Riffs, repetition and sonic attacks. It is the business of the future to be dangerous but this music is anything but. Cool to listen to when ready to zone out and maybe play some air guitar though.

Hockey Night In Canada

Seen on a bumper sticker recently:

Jesus saves but Gretzky picks up the re-bound, circles the net, he shoots, he scores!!!

Hockey playoffs are back baby!!!

Sunday Afternoon, Four O'Clock

A day of consumption. Food, wine, cake, conversation and laughter. The older I get, the more of these days I have. And that's all right with me. Hope yours was just as good.

Home-made roasting device: $75. Twenty-nine pound lamb: $200. Four beers, two glasses of sangria, three glasses of wine and a few snifters of ouzo: I don't remember. A great day with friends and family: priceless.

Sunday. Don't leave home.

There Is Still Hope

The world is a scary place with scary people doing very scary things. Sometimes these people are our elected (or is that erected) leaders and sometimes these people are our neighbours.

It is dark sometimes. Or at least, my eyes can not perceive it.

But for all that fright, there is still hope. There is still love and happiness. There is still a clever turn of phrase or a shy smile. There is still a warm spring day with doves cooing in the morning. There is still laughter. There is still a child's hug.

Tonight, in a tiny greek orthodox church near here, at midnight the priest will light a candle in a darkend space and the people will rush to light their own candles from the first one in a symbolic gesture of keeping the darkness at bay for a little while longer.

Done

A full day's work done. Sense of accomplishment. That's the spirit.

Today's listening pleasure: Remember Shakti, The Believer. Picture a Wil. E. Coyote jaw drop to the floor (thanks Mr. D. Plum) and that is a picture of me listening to this absolutely stunning group of master musicians. If you like eastern (Indian) music with deep improvisation, a hint of blues and a dollop of jazz, you will love this.

Staring At The Sun

Today was one of those brilliant, sunny days where I just sat in my cubsicle and stared at the hazy hills in the distance. This was a good thing. Maybe.

I realized that I have spent a good part of my life sitting back in a chair and staring into the distance. This is not a good thing. Maybe.

What I am looking for I don't know but that's probably the best way to make sure I never find it.

It is getting better but slowly, slowly.

Either / And / Or

Temptation is God's method for either purifying the soul or creating madmen; or maybe both.

With A Little Help From My Friends

I love this answer from a Zen practitioner to a question from someone interested in Zen and Buddhism and the meaning of life.

Q: In your life, how have you noticed that Zazen is actually practically working?

A: I have become a little better than before.

That pretty much sums up what we are all striving for isn't it? To become a little better than before...



Note to those who might take me too seriously (and you know who you are): I have no affiliation with the above Zen guy (or any other Zen guy or girl) other than enjoying some of his comments.

Time To Heal

Just back from a three and a half day visit with relatives in another city. The easter weekend was filled with company, food, drink and talk, not necessarily in that order and sometimes jumbled all at once. Much to digest. Literally. Need some time to reflect on the weekend. More later.


Spoke to D. when I got home, who told me that A. had a good weekend at home and was going to be back at the hospital till Friday and would probably be home for good after that or until the next time an "epsiode" happens (episode being one word I've heard for what happened. There are other words, less polite, but probably more accurate). D. said she "participated" more this weekend than last and he seemed very encouraged.

Still can't help but feel that something has been lost with A. Felt the same way almost exactly 28 years ago. Took me 28 years to realize the loss is entirely inside me.

Won't Get Fooled Again

Just came across this.

It's time to be brave.

The People Part 2

Continuing from yesterday's rant...

The same article in Foreign Affairs, 'The Long War Against Corruption' contains this next piece of intersting advice for governments and multi-nationals (I will intersperse my own thoughts after relevant items in parentheses), "To complement formal enforcement measures, developed nations must also take preventive actions, for example, by instituting whistle-blower protection laws (g - so far so good), government hot-lines (g - OK), and new accounting and auditing requirements (g - great!). Another important change would be to encourage corporations to voluntarily disclose evidence of bribery that they uncover during internal audits or through ombudsman activities (g - no argument from me). In exchange (g - uh-oh...) for reporting both supply and demand side corruption issues, corporations (g - uh, what about governments?) at fault (although not culpable individuals) should receive lenient sanctions in settlements (g - wtf? the corporation, which is made up of it's employees the last time I checked and not just rogue desk-jockeys, gets off but the sales representative on site gets the shaft? What about his boss and his boss and the executives and the directors? What if they're all complicit? Oh yeah, I remember now from yesterday, the people are unimportant)."

The People

Right. So I'm reading an article in Foreign Affairs called 'The Long War Against Corruption' by Ben W. Heineman Jr. & Fritz Heimann, both scholars and Heimann a co-founder of Transparency International which calls for the ending of corruption in global affairs. A worthy cause it seems to me and I was looking forward to reading this piece to understand the history of corruption faced by organizations (non-governmental, governmental and corporations) and what should be done about it going forward. My reading was progressing nicely when I came upon this paragraph,

"Although applying anticorruption rules to specific programs is increasingly necessary to sustain support for international financing, there is also the more complex and contentious issue of what to do about governments so corrupt that no safeguard will prevent graft in them. In the case of humanitarian crises brought on by tsunami, an earthquake, or an epidemic, aid may be provided through third parties outside government structures, such as the International Committee of the Red Cross or Doctors Without Borders. But because they have limited funds and face unlimited demand, international financial institutions might have to conduct a form of economic triage, disbursing money only to those needy nations where it is less likely to be stolen. Doing so might be a sensible and necessary approach to foreign assistance, but it creates a problem: one ignores corrupt states that are failed or failing at one's peril, because they are incubators of terrorism, the narcotics trade, money laundering, human trafficking, and other global crime - raising issues far beyond corruption."

Where to start...

Point 1 - The authors write, "In the case of humanitarian crises brought on by tsunami, an earthquake, or an epidemic, aid may be provided through third parties outside government structures, such as the International Committee of the Red Cross or Doctors Without Borders."

The authors seem to feel that corporations and governments do not have an obligation to their fellow man and woman in the case of a natural disaster. Let's just leave it to the bleeding hearts and let them lose their money to corruption. And the people still die.

Point 2 - The authors write, "But because they have limited funds and face unlimited demand, international financial institutions might have to conduct a form of economic triage, disbursing money only to those needy nations where it is less likely to be stolen."

So the needy people, although having no direct relation to the corrupt who are misapropriating the funds and resources, will suffer. In other words, punish the citizens of the too corrupt countries because their leaders are too corrupt. And the people still die.

Point 3 - The authors write, "...one ignores corrupt states that are failed or failing at one's peril, because they are incubators of terrorism, the narcotics trade, money laundering, human trafficking, and other global crime..."

So don't give money to these corrupt states but realize it is dangerous: not because the people who need help in these countries will die without aid but because they may create terrorists. So let's see, faced with the choice of dying because one nation didn't give aid because the leaders of my country are so corrupt and (if I manage to survive) become a terrorist (with food and clothing and shelter, at least until it's time for me to perform my atrocity which may not be for years and my family will be provided for) I wonder what I would choose. Given the choice between nothing and something, no matter how insane, what would you take. Why don't these authors take responsibilty for creating the horrors we face. And still, the people die.

The Monk's Stick

I am conscious of time. With every passing day I seem to grow even more conscious of time. I feel like there is not enough time left to me to do what needs to be done. I realize that this is me being foolish but somehow have a hard time stopping the foolishness. I am using every excuse in the book and some outside the book to not do what needs to be done.

I know what needs to be done. I know how to achieve it.

What is missing is the will? intent? discipline? kick in the ass?

Funny how even after a year of living, travelling, journeying, working, playing and being we can still remain in the same place.

Great Caesar's Ghost!

Have I become so cynical that the mere mention of truth, justice and the american way leave me spitting?

I remember a time visiting relatives in Massachusetts when I was around 7 or 8. It was my first time in the good ole USA and I was very excited. It seemed familiar to my home yet somehow different as well. The streets and houses looked like what I had seen on tv shows like The Greatest American Hero or read about in Hardy Boys books. Good, wholesome, small town homes. Clean streets with laughing children riding big wheels.

My uncle's home was a traditional New England cottage, with a big back yard and 2 cars in the garage.

But my favourite part of the visit was watching tv. So many channels, with so many choices. I slept on the couch in the living room for the vist and remember the smell of the leather and staying up late to watch Superman, Flash Gordon, Batman and other old-time serials and thinking, yes, I could get to like this. Very much.

I wish I had the talent to accurately express my very warm and happy feelings of this and later times.

I visited many times over the intervening years; Vermont, New Hampshire, New York, Pittsburgh, Washington, Boston, Cape Cod, Rhode Island, Long Island, North Carolina, Miami, Orlando, Fort Lauderdale, Tampa, Key West, San Francisco, Scottsdale and many other fabulous places.

But I no longer wish to visit there. It seems to have grown colder, with less laughter. More suspicious and less tolerant. When I cross the border I no longer feel welcome, only a nuisance.

I think you can probably still watch the original George Reeves Superman show on some obscure channel but you have to really hunt for it.

Blah, Blah, Blah

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

I sometimes wish I could expose/subject some people I work with/for to Jim Osterburg and see what happens to their lives.

This is your brain. This is your brain on pop. Search it, yeah.

Blah, blah, blah.

Perchance To Dream

Extremely strange dreams the last few days. Weird sexual imagery, dark rooms and indeterminate bodies but very detailed faces. Almost hard-core visions. The draining away of excess stress perhaps. I'd describe some of them here but as they are quite disturbing to the dreamer, I assume they might be too much for the reader. Besides, some things should be left to private journals, only to be published or seen after death when critics or at least family members can wonder at the depravity behind the seemingly normal facade.

The Grilling

Why is it so hard to have people do complete work? I asked for a computer disk in order to re-install a program. I received the disk with no product key. I asked why and the person told me it's because it's written on the disk itself. I asked if he had checked and he said sure. Sure enough there is some numbers written on the disk itself, but it's not the product installation key. Now this person knows that the key should be 25 digits long not the 8 written on the disk. Why should he know? Because this has been his fricken job for the last umpteen years!

Anyway, since I couldn't do what I needed to do, I went home, fired up the BBQ and grilled me some pork chops and vegetables. Sunny and fairly warm day. Slight breeze brought the sounds of the neighbourhood and helped the grilling right along. The present moment was strong and I embraced it. A little wine and soon enough I felt no pain. That most days were like this.

Today's listening and viewing pleasure: The Black Crowes, Freak 'n' Roll...Into the Fog, Live at the Fillmore - San Francisco. I think I liked these guys better when they weren't so professional. The earlier, looser days seemed to have more soul. Still, they rock out like few do anymore. More than strong hints of the early 70's bands (in a good way).

Family History

A. came home today. She's allowed to spend the weekend in her own bed. This is indeed progress. I had a difficult time talking to her as she seems disinterested but I believe it's just distractedness. She has an inward look about her that is only slightly better than the completely lost and scared look she had before. Still, it's good that she's home.

I am still having a tough time focusing. I feel like I'm in a Phil Dick novel. I'm asking many inward looking questions: what is real? who am I? what is the truth? is there a truth?

Infinite feedback loop.

I realize that some of these answers will be found outside because the extreme introspection can lead to danger.

After all, the apple doesn't fall from the tree, does it.

Turd Or Toad

Today's lesson was misplaced anger.

Rather than directing the anger inward at the root and true cause, it was directed outward to innocent bystanders. Why? Jeez, pick one. Because they were there. Because it was easier to explode than to reflect. Because inflicting pain rather than accepting responsibility and thus causing internal pain is a lesson little boys don't readily learn or aren't taught at all. Because no time was taken to avoid an automatic action or reaction. Because I'm a turd (sometimes). Because I'm human and still learning.

Today's listening pleasure (because the crazy cookie monster vocals matched my mood) was: Opeth's Ghost Reveries. Nice mix between brute strength and masculine beauty creates a powerful force.

Mon Coeur

"Et, comme le soleil dans son enfer polaire,
Mon coeur sera plus qu'un bloc rouge et glace."

From: Chant D'Automne by Charles Baudelaire.

Today's listening pleasure: Marillion, Misplaced Childhood.

Walking In Your Footsteps

Took some extra time during lunchtime today and went to see A. She looks tired but that's to be expected. She had her second treatment yesterday and it seems to be helping. We went for a walk around the grounds and after about ten minutes I asked if she was tired and wanted to go back in. She responded in a most feisty way. Told me she was in the hospital for her head not her body. Sounds more like her regular self. Not sure anymore if this is a good thing or not. I'm tired and need some space and/or time to regain some clarity but that's not an option right now.

Good But Hard

Sometimes the hardest thing in the world to say is "I don't know".

But it can also be the best thing in the world to say in many cases.

Sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to say "I was wrong".

But it can also be the best thing in the world to say in many cases.

Sometimes the hardest thing in the world to say is "I'm sorry".

But it is the best thing to say.

Are you listening world?

Lazy

Extremely tired today. The pace of the last two weeks has been unsustainable. Unfocused, fragmented and lazy. I could not reach a centerto get myself back on track so I did what I learned recently is one of the things that sometimes help me in these situations: I up and left the office early, got home and plopped myself on the couch and read a little. Something totally unrelated to work. I'm not sure Tenzing would approve.

Now normally I would fight my way to the center, but today it just felt too much like a losing battle. I realize that I could and should have done things differently but screw it, not today.

I didn't even visit A. I'll pay for that later. I always do.

Today's reading pleasure (no music today, no not even Deep Purple): Michael Reynold's Hemingway biographies. There were always two stories in Hemingway's fiction and life; one on the surface, and one buried beneath the public display.

Palpable Heat

Lovely day. Brisk yet sunny enough to fire up the barbeque and cook up some spring lamb chops and down a beer or two. Raked up some of the detritus of winter and unveiled a few bulbs. Crocus I think. Bright bluish purple flowers against a dark tan and brown crud was striking. It felt good to get my hands moist with the earth. The ladybugs and worms didn't like my jostling them about, but I was gentle.

Went to the hospital around 7:30pm but didn't stay past the end of visiting hours this time. I was very tired and the heat generated by the patients just about wiped me out. Or maybe the staff just keep the ward overheated.

I sensed that A. both did and did not want me there. This is actually a good sign.

Didn't stay to talk to anybody tonight. Just waved hello and goodbye. G. introduced me to her mother in the elevator as had been allowed to go out for a walk. She brought back chocolates for the others. Some weren't quite sure how to say thank you but they all found a way to express it.

I never thought much about the expression "heavy heart" but driving home I felt a presure in or on my chest that I've never felt before.

Listen to your body. It has many things to say to you.

Today's listening pleasure (in the morning only): Bob Marley, Songs of Freedom. Marley singing, "...songs of freedom, they're all I ever had..." in Redemption Song always makes me misty.

Love Cannot Bear

Went to the hospital to see A. again this evening. She's walking around with firmer steps and her face has still retained the natural unlined look of yesterday. She's aware that she's causing pain to others now, which is good news as it means she may have reached the bottom step and is looking back up the stairs if not the skylight. Two days ago I would have said she was ready to lie on the floor, face down and never look back up again. Spoke to her about time and need and stroked her shoulders. Her neck muscles are not hard as ice anymore. I promised to cook up some soup and bring some for lunch as she's not eating any of the food on offer. She needs to eat.

The others were upset as they missed smoking time. The ward is run pretty tight and they can only smoke at certain hours of the day. When the cigarettes failed to show at the appropriate time, even the Big Chief spoke up. A. tells me he hasn't said a word in five days. I don't know his name but he reminds me of the chief in Kesey's novel except for the black and swollen eye and cuts on his cheeks.

I talk to G. for awhile and she gives me the usual paranoia. I'm not sure how much to believe about her talk of judges and court orders and how the staff are plotting to keep her ignorant because she's studying law and could get them all fired.

V. is around and chatters on. She looks familiar but I can't place where I might have seen her before. Later I find that I did meet her years ago where she used to work.

Listen to Mrs. B. for awhile as it looks as if the staff are having a hard time with her son. He continues pacing while his mother assures me that he'll be fine if the staff will just verify the medication and maybe up it a little. The implications of her request trouble me.

Partly, they're just lonely. It is quite boring here.

Tonight's listening pleasure: Robert Fripp, Love Cannot Bear. Upon first listening, the first thing that came to mind is that his soundscapes have matured.

On The Birth Of Van Gogh And The Death Of A Nameless Girl

october in the blood red earth
or
how i got arrested at the national gallery, london

with
apologies to
jack kerouac

staring at the van gogh’s, i see, peripherally,
two children
running by, chasing each other with sunflowers
on the cover
of newsweek magazine,
eyes lidded but i know they are dead
because it says so
in the headline

people flock to look at irises and lily gardens,
greens and pale yellows
mix with the red at the feet of the photographer
and on the
sweaters, the strings laid casually across
her neck
as if put there by the wind
in the cornfields; the peasant bends down
to retrieve the bright golden
husks
which are placed in wooden coffins
made too small

i scream at the people studying
slanted, cubic faces, faces with large brown eyes, oversized
and
looking at themselves, studying themselves,
through the people
i am screaming at

i am crying on a plane bound
for
london’s heathrow airport
at thirty-three thousand feet
and
seven hundred
and
fifty-four kilometres per hour,
trying not to let the passenger next to me
notice that tears are streaming down,
the face of the virgin,
the face of a little angel,
dried out by the forest air,
and her sister-friend-cousin
lying next to her
sur l’herbe
and i am screaming again as i nail this poem
to the wall to the immediate right
of van gogh’s starry, starry night,
and the security guards try to wrestle me
out of the room
but they’re not that tough to fight off,
they are only the sad and old
and incomprehensible
and they need to call others to wrestle me
to the ground
and i’m screaming, screaming
can’t you see? can’t you all fucking see?
are you all blind as well as stupid?
can’t you see the little girl
on the front fucking cover
of newsfuckingweek magazine
for october the fucking 12th
and do you see her executioners? her assassins? her murderers?
walking and studying and holding their hands to their chins
in deep, contemplative thought
of a bright, yellow glaucomal chair?
do you see the uniforms, cerulean blue, ruby red, olive green,
it doesn’t matter
they’re all the same,
struggling to get me under control
trying to smother me under their combined magisterial weight
but they can’t, they can’t,
i’m too strong, i have to much life left me
i am strong and can eat, shit and blow my nose any time I want to,

i throw them off
and yell
do you see? goddamit?
do you see her sandy blonde hair, limp, strands
straggling out from under her hood
which the killers
put over her head
so that they wouldn’t have to look at her face
when they shot her,
when they shot her….I don’t know where they fucking shot her…

but i can see her face clearly and so can everyone if they look really hard
i have a picture of her in my wallet where she is one year old with a soccer ball
in her hand, smiling for the camera, honey, the nice man is going to
take a picture that we can give to grandma

i could get on a plane and go there
but
she would be buried
and
the mourners would be dying
and
halfway across the world
another picture would be taken
and
people would go on studying
the van gogh’s
as i sit and watch
the two young girls
running across the floor
chasing each other
as their mothers and fathers
cross their hands
and
wonder at why that brushstroke is there
and just so thin
at that particular spot
but over here it expands
and see…here it is raised from the canvas
as if he wanted to have us feel the earth
underneath her feet

i sit and watch
and wonder
why my head doesn’t explode
right this very moment,
scattering the nearby paintings
with bright, red
blood
bathing the people in bright red
blood
and wondering, just where did van gogh get
that particular shade of red
he’s used

i sit and watch
and take out my son’s picture
from my wallet
and thank god
it isn’t me

much like the others
studying the pastoral landscapes
of provence
that look to much like
the earth underneath
the dead girl
on the cover of
newsweek magazine
for the 12th of october
in the year of our lord
nineteen hundred and ninety eight
amen

Delusions

I often try to read Foreign Affairs because I find that as the articles go into further depth than regular newspaper reporting, I tend to get more complete analyses of the aims of the U.S. in the world. The biases still remain for the most part but they do tend to offer a balanced or at least un-edited view. Of course, I could be incredibly naive about all this.

At any rate, in the latest issue, a paragraph from the lead story, 'Saddam's Delusions' by Kevin Woods, James Lacey and Williamson Murray, caught my eye. The article deals with a U.S. Joint Forces Command commissioned study of the inner workings and behaviour of Saddam Hussein's regime. The paragraph that makes me quite sad today when I hear about the 'militant uprisings' or whatever other double-speak is in use today is this one: "Even with U.S. tanks crossing the Iraqi border, an internal revolt remained Saddam's biggest fear. In order to quell any postwar revolt. he would need the bridges to remain intact and the land in the south to remain unflooded. On this basis, Saddam planned his moves."

Any one still wondering where all the weapons the militants are using to kill civilians and soldiers alike came from? Anyone still wondering why we didn't just help an 'internal revolt' instead of an invasion and occupation?

Keep digging and eventually you come to see us as dirty as anyone else in this world.

Take Out The Garbage

Spent the day working on death and taxes.

The spouse asked me to take out the garbage.

The children asked to play inapropriate games on the computer.

If I had a dog I might have kicked it.

Don't come over unless you have a bottle of wine and some damn funny stories.

Stop Making Sense

While driving in the car, my wife and I were talking about stress and how hard it was to stop damaging and unwanted thoughts from intruding on an otherwise nice day. The kids were yelling and fighting in the backseat about something or other and in an effort to stop the noise I challenged them to not think about anything. I told them that the hardest thing in the world to do was to not think. They both immediately took up the challenge and were silent for aproximately 15 seconds. Then my son said, "See, I just did it" and my daughter piped in "Me too!" and they proceeded to start bugging each other again at high volume. I looked over at my wife and decided to let the noise be part of the otherwise nice day.

In No Particular Order

A little late I know but here is my list of top 5 albums (ok, ok - CD's) of 2005. Now these are cd's I actually listened to in 2005, they may not have been neccessarily released in 2005.

In no particular order:

Sigur Ros - Takk
Opeth - Ghost Reveries
Thelonius Monk Quartet with John Coltrane - At Carnegie Hall
Robert Fripp - Love Cannot Bear
The Dears - Thank You Good Night Sold Out

Honorary mention (but, really, could have been in my top 5, probably should have made a top 7 but who makes a top 7?):

The Mars Volta - Frances, The Mute
John Coltrane - One Down, One Up: Live At The Half Note

Aghhh!

I'm officially old.

Holding the elevator door open for a woman in her mid twenties today, she thanked me and called me sir.

The Work Life Part 2

Paralyses rules my day.

From The Inside

Sometimes from the outside a work place might seem chaotic or aribitrary. Especially in personnel decisions or certain project successes or failures. From the inside though, i's interesting to watch the strings being pulled from certain quarters or behind the scenes. It's interesting to watch the politics and moves being made, an elaborate chess game on several boards and within several dimensions. Business is a battle and you'd better be careful where you stick your neck.

Desire

"We call nonexistant that which we do not desire." Columbus to Isabella.

From the play Christopher Columbus in the collection Three Plays by Nikos Kazantzakis. Simon & Schuster, New York, 1969 - page 65.

This to be used as an argument only, to sway someone to something we ourselves want, surely. Alternatively, if we do not desire something, it has no hold on us.

The Rosebush And The Dung Pile

"The secret that sin too is in the employ of God."

Columbus to the Abbot. From the play Christopher Columbus by Nikos Kazantzakis in the collection, Three Plays. Simon & Schuster, New York, 1969 - page 78.

God uses sin to make us see what we do wrong? To make us wish for something better? To debase ourselves first so that we will know the low and know how high the high actually is? I haven't quite grasped the meaning of the above quote.

The Oldest Advice

"Good! There goes that life, too. We lived it, and it was brief, but what does it matter? We enjoyed it, in a flash, like lightning, all of it."

Lycophron to Alka in the play Melissa by Nikos Kazantzakis. From the collection Three Plays. Simon & Schuster, New York 1969 - page 189.

As always, the old advice. Live in the present moment.

The Moderns Part 2

"My whole life has been a wild, unceasing struggle uphill, plagued by terrible virtues and equally terrible vices."

Periander to Lycophron. From the play Melissa by Nikos Kazantzakis in the collection Three Plays; Simon & Schuster, New York, 1969 - page 139.

The plight and the paradox of modern man.

Shiny, Happy People

"Happiness shames man, my child, it disrupts the order of the world."

Nurse to Alka. From the play Melissa by Nikos Kazantzakis in the collection, Three Plays. Simon & Schuster, New York, 1969 - page 127.

All the better to be happy then.

The casting out of Eden, paradise, rest and play, to work and toil, forever.

Happiness is the road back to Eden, paradise.

The Ends

"Can you, even at the moment of your strength and victory, keep your mind clear and detached, fixed not on yourself, but on your god?"

Minos to Theseus from the play Kouros in the collection Three Plays by Nikos Kazantzakis, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1969 - page 269.

God is the goal. It is the outcome. It is the ends. Not the means. Not the player, musician, worker, artist, labourer, painter, sculptor, bricklayer or scientist. The end result is the goal. The goal is god.

The danger here is that the ends could justify the means. But there is danger everywhere, especially in literature and reality.

To Be Strong

"...to be strong is to control your strength..."

Minos to Theseus from the play Kouros in the collection Three Plays by Nikos Kazantzakis, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1969 - page 245.

A proper zen koan if you will. Hard to live up to for most. How does one maintain such integrity in the face of such temptation? How about it America? The west? Me and you?

Life On Earth

"Beloved, are you still concerned with gods? What curse is this that drives men so! They battle unceasingly, incurably, with shadows, never realizing that god exists and toils and rejoices only in the flesh!"

Ariadne to Theseus from the play Kouros in the collection Three Plays by Nikos Kazantzakis, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1969 - page 266.

This could only be written by a meditteranean. My life is here on earth. Some may take this passage to mean that we should revel in the material but I take it as meaning that all we need is right here on earth, there is no need to hunger after insubstantialities. There are plenty of mysteries and adventures in substantial things, today, right now.

Out Of Reach

"I, too, will choose the highest, most innacessible mountain to enthrone my god so that I, too, may climb it alone and converse with him."

Theseus to Ariadne from the play Kouros in the collection Three Plays by Nikos Kazantzakis, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1969 - page 236.

That seems to be the problem. We've set god far away from us in an inaccessible place. We've chained him to a lofty location and enslaved ourselves to a low place and we never meet...What we we need are gods we can keep close to us, so close we can smell them, taste them and have a true feeling for them.

The Unexpected

Captain - "What do you expect to find?"
Theseus - "The unexpected..."

From the play Kouros in the collection Three Plays by Nikos Kazantzakis, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1969 - page 220.

This is a daunting concept for most, never completely accepted.

What Do You Speak?

What slanguage do you speak?

I didnt't quite know what this meant before either but take the quizz and have fun. It eventually makes sense.

Myself? Canadian slang naturally.

The Mirror Stares Back At Me

I stare into the mirror but do not see what others see. Is the fault in my eyes or the mirror or the others or in the space between all? Or is there a fault at all?

Radio, Radio

There are lots of internet radio stations but I happen to like this one because I believe it is quite useful in building a station that plays the type of music I want to hear and also adds in some pleasant surprises.

Running To Stand Still

Today I had a lunch appointment with a colleague and went to a bank first to get some cash. As I walked out of the bank and ran up to meet with my lunch partner, I realized that most of my adult life seems to consist of running from one meeting to another of whatever sort (personal, professional or otherwise), giving little time or thought to the meaning of the experience or even to my feelings about the experience. Even less time is spent telling the other party what the experience meant or felt.

So…I had a great time at lunch today. Thank you!

Men At War

Rosalind: “I’d rather keep it as a beautiful memory – tucked away in my heart.”
Amory: “Yes, women can do that – but not men. I’d remember always, not the beauty of it while it lasted, but just the bitterness, the long bitterness.”

This Side of Paradise by F.Scott Fitzgerald, Scribner’s, New York, 1998 8th printing - page 181.

If men could learn to transcend this we might have fewer struggles.

The Ministry Of Information

“If we could only learn to look on evil as evil, whether it is clothed in filth or monotony or magnificence.”

This Side of Paradise by F.Scott Fitzgerald, Scribner’s, New York, 1998 8th printing - page 144.

Do you hear that Fox News?

In Our Time

“He thought how much easier patriotism had been to a homogenous race…”

This Side of Paradise by F.Scott Fitzgerald, Scribner’s, New York, 1998, 8th printing - page 139.

Perhaps a clue (from a writer who saw some of thebefore and aftermath of the First World War) as to how to end certain conflicts in our own time…Put aside your land and tribe. Let us own each other’s culture.

Awakenings

“…and when Amory crept shivering into bed it was with his mind aglow with ideas and a sense of shock that someone else had discovered the path he might have followed.”

This Side of Paradise by F.Scott Fitzgerald, Scribner's, New York, 1998 8th printing - page 119.

And so another man stuck in adolescence grows up…

The Becoming

“It was always the becoming he dreamed of, never the being.”

This Side of Paradise by F.Scott Fitzgerald, Scribner's, New York, 1998 8th printing - page 24.

This is a trap of adolescence. A trap because many of us bring this attitude into adulthood and are constantly searching instead of living. Some can make great art out of this search but most just dream away their lives.

Harm

Violence is a subject that intrigues and troubles me just about every day. Maybe it's because I'm a father and read the newspaper every day. This is probably no surprise to anyone who reads this blog (all three of you).

I’m still really torn on the issue of using violence. So, how about an examination of both sides, however superficial it might be.

Firstly, the use of violence:

Violence may not always be unreasonable; but in order to formulate a reasonable response to atrocities we should try to figure out what is going on first and that includes understanding the other guy's side. Violence may indeed be an answer once we have ascertained the five w’s. The old saying, "to defeat your enemy you must first know him" applies here. For example, going to Afghanistan and bombing the heck out of the Taliban and hunting down bin Laden probably was a reasonable response after the events of Sept. 11. Going to Iraq was not.

Secondly, the use of non-violence:

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. But whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God. Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.

I have used here only examples from the New Testament because it is the book I am most familiar with but I could have easily used the Old Testament, Qu’ran or Buddhist texts to come to similar sayings. And I believe that the writings on compassion, love and responsibility far outweigh the writings on calls to violent action in these very same books. Amen.

Share The Blame

During an argument recently, an American Christian fundamentalist said to me, “If you haven't noticed the entire world is vehemently arrayed against Jesus in everything it says and does.”

I wonder why then her own vehemence seems to be only directed at Muslims. Why is there no rage against evil, greedy marketing folk or corrupt papists or atheists or scientists…all of whom have done arguably worse to Christianity than Islam…

Lots Of Zeroes

In 1997 the CIA's budget was $26.6 billion dollars.

In 1996/97 the federal portion of total expenditure for elementary school education in the US was $22.2 billion dollars.