To A Friend

No one should have to be an emotional yo-yo for anyone. Stop giving that other person the control. Listen to yourself because you actually do know the difference between what is right and what is wrong; you just choose to ignore that voice. Just let go and it will find you.

Baser Nature

Sometimes the journey feels like one step forward, two steps back. I realize that this is as cliche as you can get but it is nevertheless true.

Tonight it felt more like ten steps back as my baser nature took control, no that's not right, better to be honest, I allowed my baser nature to come forward and manifest itself in all its (my) pre-historic, fight or flight glory.

I just wouldn't let go... and that can be very dangerous for all involved.

So, one way to deal with it is to own up: Yes, it was my fault.

Next is to examine why: Because I wanted a confrontation.

Next is to apologize, preferably publically: I'm sorry.

Last is to let it go: There, it's gone.

Crime As Art

KEVIN JACKSON: Certain parts of the book (Cocaine Nights) advance rather unorthodox ideas about crime: that crime cements a community and that, in more concrete terms, it can be seen as a kind of performance art.

JG BALLARD: Well, the main character has stumbled on a way of waking people up. Life for them becomes keener, sharper, and so these people become more prepared to explore their own imaginations. They’re no longer passive. I’m not suggesting we should all leave our doors unlocked; or that we should burgle our neighbours, who, enriched by the experience, will then bring the violin down from the attic and entertain us with a string quartet… Rather, I think we need to look at the world we inhabit and see how these social aggressions are manufactured. It may be that a civilised life comes at a price.

This monoculture that is emerging, a world of noisy, intruding horror: you just want to get on with what you’re doing, which is nothing. These security-suburbs are a way of shutting out the world, like static on a TV set. The British, especially, have retreated into their own homes. We’re obsessed with a material space where we can define all the elements that make up our lives."

Emphasis mine.

From an interview with J.G. Ballard, summer 1997.

Shared Humanity

Shared humanity.

The act of being human and all that conjures up is what we share.

The Punisher

In honour of X-Men 3 coming out in theaters and Superman ready to go later this summer, I thought it was time to get a little less serious.

So, what gritty comic book character are you?

The Greatest Game

Good. A Canadian team is in the Stanley Cup playoffs. As it should be. Go Oilers!

Division Of Attention Part 2

Another thought following from yesterday's experience:

How to not lose spontaneity which, in my mind, can be integral to a warm and pleasurable part of a communication process.

The division of attention and subsequent self-examination can make the interactions be in danger of having a robotic feel.

Division Of Attention

Easy, easy...My head was about to insert itself so far up my posterior that it was in danger of disappearing completely.

Stopping, having a part of myself (was it my consciousness? ego? my real self?) step outside of the conversation (time?) and observe what was happening helped to bring about the realization that I was being a) an ass, b) insufferable, c) a braggart, and d) really annoying. All at the same time.

So the steps taken were:

1: Have a part of myself stop participating in the interactions and step outside of the moment.
2: Observe myself as I was interacting.
3: Observe others in interaction with myself.
4: Make necessary changes to behaviour in accordance with previously defined rules. For simplicity's sake one golden rule was used: be polite.

That's when I started to change, almost a transformation as the inward change manifested itself in outward conduct and mannerisms. I realized that I was far happier this way even though I was far more interesting (I thought) the other way.

It was then remarkable how when I changed, the others changed as well. Sometimes the change was as subtle as a slight shifting in body position that looked like a release of tension and was confirmed as such through more overt examples such as smiles (quicker), hand gestures (more physical touching), tone of voice (slightly lower, less quivers) and eyes (more direct contact). Overall the interactions became somewhat smoother and slightly of more substance as people started to relax and trust.

Things still to do:

1: Understand which part of me stepped out of time (so to speak).
2: Practice this division of attention.
3: Further define the rules for behavior.

Sunshiny Day

After two solid weeks of cloudy skies and rain, I woke up to a shiny, sunny day. It's amazing what a little sunlight can do for your mood. Makes you wonder about attachment to things you can not control. Wow, my first post in the daylight hours in a very long time!

Today's listening pleasure: Holly Cole, The Best of the Holly Cole Trio. Love the power and yet subtlety in that voice, love the simplicity in the instrumentation that still drives the song forward, love the whole of the seemingly simplistic parts.

Quiet

Couldn't sleep last night. Anxiety attacks. Things left undone and unsaid weigh upon the mind and soul and manifest in the body.

Lately I've been trying a technique to clear the mind from the constant noise it produces. It is focusing on literally nothing, trying to still the mind so that no thoughts come through at all. It's not exactly turning the mind off as it is just quieting it. Hard to explain, but it does help me sleep.

Last night was difficult and it was very hard to focus. I know (of course, as do we all if we are honest with ourselves) what needs to be done to avoid the anxiety in the first place but the trick is doing it. A sad refrain in my life.

Big Screen TV

Today I harvested the fruit of my physical labours.

Tomorrow I start to seed again, again.

As long as you're willing to pay the price, you can do pretty much anything. The thing is, the price may not be what you think it will be*.

*I know I've said this before but I believe it bears repeating.

Thank You Universe

Some days you try your best to let things slip. Today was one of those days. Luckily the day seemed to re-start every time I tripped over myself to let things slide. Whatever sorry-ass action I attempted, whether starting to yell, feel sorry for myself, sniff, cough, look forlorn, burn toast, scratch and talk, the day seemed to rewind and resume from a proper place. The universe is ready to help if only we'll let it. By universe, I mean all of us, sentient, animals, vegetation, insects, rock and earth, fire and water, air and sky and everything else.

A Good Day

Today was a good day. Spent time with the children. Felt like I gave a good life lesson to my son (and he actually absorbed it). I feel complete right now; like my proper work has been accomplished for this day at least.

The Untold Story Is Still Untold, Sorry

I haven't written about A. in a while. Mostly it's been from an irrational moral cowardice of some kind. Much like those natives who feared losing their souls to cameras, I am somewhat scared of writing about her and causing risk to her essence. It's partly from being tired. It's partly from not wanting to. I will write more about her in the future because she's worth it and the story needs to be told. I know; them's fightin' words!

The Lie

Why does the lie sometimes come so easily to the mouth. It gets out into the world before the brain even has time to register what was said. From what part of the body/mind/soul is the lie coming from.

I'd better stop drinking now.

Deep Thoughts While Eating Donuts

It's funny how the body tells you what you should be doing. It started with a slight headache while at work and spending far too much time looking at a computer screen. It then developed into a migraine on the way home through horrific traffic and even more horrific news reports. It then finally ended up with me sleeping for twelve hours straight, something I haven't done since an infant. Yet still I'm not up to speed today. That's because the underlying issues resulting in the too much computer time, not changing the station while in the car and others remain. Like any good physician will tell you, you need to cure the disease, not the symptom.

Rebellion

In every activity I do for my employer I place one small, tiny flaw.

It's my (probably immature) way of "stickin' it to the man".

Rebellion is the first flaw.

The Trouble With Normal

The more I think about what might be normal, the more I think there is no such thing.

Today's listening pleasure: Bruce Cockburn - Stealing Fire. Excellent lyrically, accessible musically, Cockburn loses some of the Canadian tree hugging hippy persona and goes global. A personal yet highly political album that doesn't sound so strange even 20 years later. You know, a lot of the same characters are still around in political circles all over the world. The more things change...

Easy

It would be so easy...A stolen moment, a kiss and a smile. Then...paradise lost.

Intensity

Someone told me I'm scary when I'm intense. Tonight I was so focused on what needed to be done because we were undermanned that it was absolutely imperative to be so intensely focused and determined. It's funny, because on the one hand in this society we're told to work hard, be strong, be single-minded, firm, dogged and be focused on the task at hand. Then we get heck for being too freakin' intense.

Connections

If this blog does anything for anyone else, I would love for it to make connections between disparate peoples and cultures. I realize that this is an aim that may be beyond my abilities at this point in time, but I'm certain that if I don't make the attempt, no matter the ineptness, it probably won't happen. The idea is to not have my ineptness damage the connection or possibilities for connections.

Certainty And Doubt

Sometimes I'll randomly pull a book from the shelf and open up to a random page and read a paragraph, hoping that the universe has somehow chosen wisely.

This evening this is what I read:

It was not freedom which the industrial era had lost - for technology was ultimately a liberating force - but certainty. While the Renaissance, which Lawrence so much despised, had introduced rational enlightenment, it had also introduced doubt, which he would later call 'our modern crown of thorns'.

Michael Asher - Lawrence: The Uncrowned King of Arabia, Penguin Books 1999, page 55.

Falling

It's usually the eyes that get me first. I'm hooked by their shape and colour and most especially the way they twinkle in a certain light and scrunch up to look at me with unabashed humour and fun. The rest is just falling.

Todays listening pleasure: Dire Straits, Romeo & Juliet from Making Movies. If you haven't heard one of the better songwriters in this or any year, you owe it to yourself to get a hold of Mark Knopfler's music somehow. Whether with Dire Straits or solo, his natural, bluesy, acoustically energetic guitar playing and seemingly effortless, romantic tunefullness will certainly make you a fan. Highly recommended.

I Stand On Guard For Thee

You know, I don't hate the U.S. Nor do I hate Canada or the U.K. or Europe or China or even Iran. I hate some of the things the political leaders of these countries do in defiance of all reason and mindfulness but I don't hate the people. I hate the way they have twisted basic moral and compassionate teachings to further their own commercial or idealogical ends but I don't hate the society or the culture. I hate the death perpetrated for "geo-strategic policy" but I don't hate the people. In fact I criticize and remain vigilant because I love. Isn't that basic parenting?

I Am Large And Contain Multitudes

I can love rock and jazz and classical. I can love action movies and romantic comedies and dark tragedies. I can love redheads and blondes and brunettes. I can love genre fiction and symbolist poetry and surrrealistic short stories and biographies. I can love spicy food and greek food and sushi and steak and quiche. I can laugh and cry and be mad and ponder and everything in between. And so can you.

The Search For God Part 2

To celebrate the uncelebratable.

To love the unloveable.

To feel the unfeeleable.

To use the unuseable.

To consider the inconsiderable.

To care for the uncareable.

To be gentle to the ungentle.

To be thoughtful to the unthoughtful.

To be helpful to the unhelpful.

To want the unwanted.

To give meaning to the meaningless.

To tend the untendable.

To nurse the un-nursable.

To unburden the burdened.

To wake the sleeping.

The Search For God

To express the inexpressible.

To describe the indescribable.

To define the undefinable.

To comprehend the incomprehensible.

To penetrate the impenetrable.

To determine the ineffable.

Words Of Wisdom

Think, protest and survive.

Sense And Senselessness

The smell of vinegar. That's what set me off the other day. It took a while for me to process the anger, think through the rage and fear and depression. It took some time and distance to observe myself and realize the real. The smell of vinegar. The fear now is that the intensity of feeling seems to be growing each time. It's not getting harder to control but it is taking longer to understand the sense and come out from under the senselessness. The smell of vinegar. Such a simple thing.