Out Of The Funk

Black-ass mood continued today so I don't feel much like talking. Hope tomorrow the cycle ends. Starting to wonder if I need pharmaceutical assistance as it's getting harder to snap myself out of the funk by the usual methods.

Black-Ass Mood

Recipe for a black-ass* mood.

Home invasion in the morning means I can't enjoy a saturday paper on the sunny porch. Errands then start too soon and I feel like I've been chased from my home. The children, sensing weakness, decide to not co-operate in any way. It continues with no lunch, shopping at the local super store with everyone else in town and no supper. To top it all off, a visit with the in-laws.

I know, I know. Get over yourself. Bet you had a freakin' good day though so you know where you can shove your advice.

*No slur or derogatory racist comment is intended by this phrase. Aplogies to anyone offended. Get over yourself.

Doing Right

Sometimes being a good parent and doing right by your children means swallowing the immature need to rectify the injustice of the past. Both yours and your childrens'.

Employee Motivation

All right, so I blew my cool today at work. I mean the day started OK, the kids co-operated in the morning, it was a bright sunny day and I had completed a task by 10am that I thought might take more than half the day. Then it happened. While discussing the financials of a project I'm involved in, I questioned one of my employees on a number that she is responsible for and is a key component of the assumptions I am working under. My questions was, I thought, fairly innocent and simple: while looking ata spreadhseet I asked "How did you come up with this number?" Her body immediately took a defensive stance and without saying anything she left my office muttering about the spreadsheet we were looking at. She came back about five minutes later, still defensive as her tone of voice indicated, and started asking me why I was looking at a particular spreadsheet and that I should always come to her when I need a number and she started going on about how hard it was to update the data and how I didn't understand what I was looking at and on and on. I listened and tried at the end (I thought) of her rant to give her some guidance on how to prepare and update the data with an example but she kept interrupting. No, not interrupting but not even listening to me. Every time I would try to start a sentence she would continue to speak, continue to complain how I didn't understand the difficulty she was under and on and on. Now, usually, I let her go on until she tires herself out and start my speach. To her credit, when she actually stops to listen she does retain what she's been told and usually does an excellent job. But today I grew so impatient because I could tell she felt I was accusing her of something and she simply would not stop talking. I finally raised my voice and talked over her. And boy did I raise my voice and ket her have it. She looked shocked but she listened. She even cried a little. Now I'm not exactly proud of making her cry but she needed the yelling. After a few minutes of me blowing my top we were able to get on the same page and have a productive discussion and eventually uncovered what I needed to uncover. She actually aplogized to me for not letting me talk and I aplogized for yelling. Later my boss, who had heard everything as his office was right next to mine, came in said that I was absolutely correct in everything I said and you sometimes do need to use different methods with certain people and that might even include yelling. I probably shouldn't have lost my cool but man was she ever annoying. Whew, just had to get that off my chest.

Cycles

There seem to be cycles to my life and they seem to follow an ambiguous path as it seems to be a roughly lunar one. This surprises me somewhat as I am not female. It also seems to affect less apparent phenomenon such as mood as much as facial hair growth. Is it some primordial tidal response in the blood? Or is it all in my head? Probably a bit of both.

As an aside, I seem to say that a lot: Probably a bit of both. Believe it or not, it is not an incapacity to make a decision but a realization that life is not black and white but multiple shades of all visible and invisible colours.

Brainstorm

The quality of the question determines the quality of the answer. I keep repeating that phrase like a mantra as I listen to my boss and try to understand what he is getting at in our discussion of a business case and the financials involved. Or maybe I'm just dense.

I think it might be too much Hawkwind. Today's listening pleasure: Space Ritual. Riffs, repetition and sonic attacks. It is the business of the future to be dangerous but this music is anything but. Cool to listen to when ready to zone out and maybe play some air guitar though.

Hockey Night In Canada

Seen on a bumper sticker recently:

Jesus saves but Gretzky picks up the re-bound, circles the net, he shoots, he scores!!!

Hockey playoffs are back baby!!!

Sunday Afternoon, Four O'Clock

A day of consumption. Food, wine, cake, conversation and laughter. The older I get, the more of these days I have. And that's all right with me. Hope yours was just as good.

Home-made roasting device: $75. Twenty-nine pound lamb: $200. Four beers, two glasses of sangria, three glasses of wine and a few snifters of ouzo: I don't remember. A great day with friends and family: priceless.

Sunday. Don't leave home.

There Is Still Hope

The world is a scary place with scary people doing very scary things. Sometimes these people are our elected (or is that erected) leaders and sometimes these people are our neighbours.

It is dark sometimes. Or at least, my eyes can not perceive it.

But for all that fright, there is still hope. There is still love and happiness. There is still a clever turn of phrase or a shy smile. There is still a warm spring day with doves cooing in the morning. There is still laughter. There is still a child's hug.

Tonight, in a tiny greek orthodox church near here, at midnight the priest will light a candle in a darkend space and the people will rush to light their own candles from the first one in a symbolic gesture of keeping the darkness at bay for a little while longer.

Done

A full day's work done. Sense of accomplishment. That's the spirit.

Today's listening pleasure: Remember Shakti, The Believer. Picture a Wil. E. Coyote jaw drop to the floor (thanks Mr. D. Plum) and that is a picture of me listening to this absolutely stunning group of master musicians. If you like eastern (Indian) music with deep improvisation, a hint of blues and a dollop of jazz, you will love this.

Staring At The Sun

Today was one of those brilliant, sunny days where I just sat in my cubsicle and stared at the hazy hills in the distance. This was a good thing. Maybe.

I realized that I have spent a good part of my life sitting back in a chair and staring into the distance. This is not a good thing. Maybe.

What I am looking for I don't know but that's probably the best way to make sure I never find it.

It is getting better but slowly, slowly.

Either / And / Or

Temptation is God's method for either purifying the soul or creating madmen; or maybe both.

With A Little Help From My Friends

I love this answer from a Zen practitioner to a question from someone interested in Zen and Buddhism and the meaning of life.

Q: In your life, how have you noticed that Zazen is actually practically working?

A: I have become a little better than before.

That pretty much sums up what we are all striving for isn't it? To become a little better than before...



Note to those who might take me too seriously (and you know who you are): I have no affiliation with the above Zen guy (or any other Zen guy or girl) other than enjoying some of his comments.

Time To Heal

Just back from a three and a half day visit with relatives in another city. The easter weekend was filled with company, food, drink and talk, not necessarily in that order and sometimes jumbled all at once. Much to digest. Literally. Need some time to reflect on the weekend. More later.


Spoke to D. when I got home, who told me that A. had a good weekend at home and was going to be back at the hospital till Friday and would probably be home for good after that or until the next time an "epsiode" happens (episode being one word I've heard for what happened. There are other words, less polite, but probably more accurate). D. said she "participated" more this weekend than last and he seemed very encouraged.

Still can't help but feel that something has been lost with A. Felt the same way almost exactly 28 years ago. Took me 28 years to realize the loss is entirely inside me.

Won't Get Fooled Again

Just came across this.

It's time to be brave.

The People Part 2

Continuing from yesterday's rant...

The same article in Foreign Affairs, 'The Long War Against Corruption' contains this next piece of intersting advice for governments and multi-nationals (I will intersperse my own thoughts after relevant items in parentheses), "To complement formal enforcement measures, developed nations must also take preventive actions, for example, by instituting whistle-blower protection laws (g - so far so good), government hot-lines (g - OK), and new accounting and auditing requirements (g - great!). Another important change would be to encourage corporations to voluntarily disclose evidence of bribery that they uncover during internal audits or through ombudsman activities (g - no argument from me). In exchange (g - uh-oh...) for reporting both supply and demand side corruption issues, corporations (g - uh, what about governments?) at fault (although not culpable individuals) should receive lenient sanctions in settlements (g - wtf? the corporation, which is made up of it's employees the last time I checked and not just rogue desk-jockeys, gets off but the sales representative on site gets the shaft? What about his boss and his boss and the executives and the directors? What if they're all complicit? Oh yeah, I remember now from yesterday, the people are unimportant)."

The People

Right. So I'm reading an article in Foreign Affairs called 'The Long War Against Corruption' by Ben W. Heineman Jr. & Fritz Heimann, both scholars and Heimann a co-founder of Transparency International which calls for the ending of corruption in global affairs. A worthy cause it seems to me and I was looking forward to reading this piece to understand the history of corruption faced by organizations (non-governmental, governmental and corporations) and what should be done about it going forward. My reading was progressing nicely when I came upon this paragraph,

"Although applying anticorruption rules to specific programs is increasingly necessary to sustain support for international financing, there is also the more complex and contentious issue of what to do about governments so corrupt that no safeguard will prevent graft in them. In the case of humanitarian crises brought on by tsunami, an earthquake, or an epidemic, aid may be provided through third parties outside government structures, such as the International Committee of the Red Cross or Doctors Without Borders. But because they have limited funds and face unlimited demand, international financial institutions might have to conduct a form of economic triage, disbursing money only to those needy nations where it is less likely to be stolen. Doing so might be a sensible and necessary approach to foreign assistance, but it creates a problem: one ignores corrupt states that are failed or failing at one's peril, because they are incubators of terrorism, the narcotics trade, money laundering, human trafficking, and other global crime - raising issues far beyond corruption."

Where to start...

Point 1 - The authors write, "In the case of humanitarian crises brought on by tsunami, an earthquake, or an epidemic, aid may be provided through third parties outside government structures, such as the International Committee of the Red Cross or Doctors Without Borders."

The authors seem to feel that corporations and governments do not have an obligation to their fellow man and woman in the case of a natural disaster. Let's just leave it to the bleeding hearts and let them lose their money to corruption. And the people still die.

Point 2 - The authors write, "But because they have limited funds and face unlimited demand, international financial institutions might have to conduct a form of economic triage, disbursing money only to those needy nations where it is less likely to be stolen."

So the needy people, although having no direct relation to the corrupt who are misapropriating the funds and resources, will suffer. In other words, punish the citizens of the too corrupt countries because their leaders are too corrupt. And the people still die.

Point 3 - The authors write, "...one ignores corrupt states that are failed or failing at one's peril, because they are incubators of terrorism, the narcotics trade, money laundering, human trafficking, and other global crime..."

So don't give money to these corrupt states but realize it is dangerous: not because the people who need help in these countries will die without aid but because they may create terrorists. So let's see, faced with the choice of dying because one nation didn't give aid because the leaders of my country are so corrupt and (if I manage to survive) become a terrorist (with food and clothing and shelter, at least until it's time for me to perform my atrocity which may not be for years and my family will be provided for) I wonder what I would choose. Given the choice between nothing and something, no matter how insane, what would you take. Why don't these authors take responsibilty for creating the horrors we face. And still, the people die.

The Monk's Stick

I am conscious of time. With every passing day I seem to grow even more conscious of time. I feel like there is not enough time left to me to do what needs to be done. I realize that this is me being foolish but somehow have a hard time stopping the foolishness. I am using every excuse in the book and some outside the book to not do what needs to be done.

I know what needs to be done. I know how to achieve it.

What is missing is the will? intent? discipline? kick in the ass?

Funny how even after a year of living, travelling, journeying, working, playing and being we can still remain in the same place.

Great Caesar's Ghost!

Have I become so cynical that the mere mention of truth, justice and the american way leave me spitting?

I remember a time visiting relatives in Massachusetts when I was around 7 or 8. It was my first time in the good ole USA and I was very excited. It seemed familiar to my home yet somehow different as well. The streets and houses looked like what I had seen on tv shows like The Greatest American Hero or read about in Hardy Boys books. Good, wholesome, small town homes. Clean streets with laughing children riding big wheels.

My uncle's home was a traditional New England cottage, with a big back yard and 2 cars in the garage.

But my favourite part of the visit was watching tv. So many channels, with so many choices. I slept on the couch in the living room for the vist and remember the smell of the leather and staying up late to watch Superman, Flash Gordon, Batman and other old-time serials and thinking, yes, I could get to like this. Very much.

I wish I had the talent to accurately express my very warm and happy feelings of this and later times.

I visited many times over the intervening years; Vermont, New Hampshire, New York, Pittsburgh, Washington, Boston, Cape Cod, Rhode Island, Long Island, North Carolina, Miami, Orlando, Fort Lauderdale, Tampa, Key West, San Francisco, Scottsdale and many other fabulous places.

But I no longer wish to visit there. It seems to have grown colder, with less laughter. More suspicious and less tolerant. When I cross the border I no longer feel welcome, only a nuisance.

I think you can probably still watch the original George Reeves Superman show on some obscure channel but you have to really hunt for it.

Blah, Blah, Blah

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

I sometimes wish I could expose/subject some people I work with/for to Jim Osterburg and see what happens to their lives.

This is your brain. This is your brain on pop. Search it, yeah.

Blah, blah, blah.

Perchance To Dream

Extremely strange dreams the last few days. Weird sexual imagery, dark rooms and indeterminate bodies but very detailed faces. Almost hard-core visions. The draining away of excess stress perhaps. I'd describe some of them here but as they are quite disturbing to the dreamer, I assume they might be too much for the reader. Besides, some things should be left to private journals, only to be published or seen after death when critics or at least family members can wonder at the depravity behind the seemingly normal facade.

The Grilling

Why is it so hard to have people do complete work? I asked for a computer disk in order to re-install a program. I received the disk with no product key. I asked why and the person told me it's because it's written on the disk itself. I asked if he had checked and he said sure. Sure enough there is some numbers written on the disk itself, but it's not the product installation key. Now this person knows that the key should be 25 digits long not the 8 written on the disk. Why should he know? Because this has been his fricken job for the last umpteen years!

Anyway, since I couldn't do what I needed to do, I went home, fired up the BBQ and grilled me some pork chops and vegetables. Sunny and fairly warm day. Slight breeze brought the sounds of the neighbourhood and helped the grilling right along. The present moment was strong and I embraced it. A little wine and soon enough I felt no pain. That most days were like this.

Today's listening and viewing pleasure: The Black Crowes, Freak 'n' Roll...Into the Fog, Live at the Fillmore - San Francisco. I think I liked these guys better when they weren't so professional. The earlier, looser days seemed to have more soul. Still, they rock out like few do anymore. More than strong hints of the early 70's bands (in a good way).

Family History

A. came home today. She's allowed to spend the weekend in her own bed. This is indeed progress. I had a difficult time talking to her as she seems disinterested but I believe it's just distractedness. She has an inward look about her that is only slightly better than the completely lost and scared look she had before. Still, it's good that she's home.

I am still having a tough time focusing. I feel like I'm in a Phil Dick novel. I'm asking many inward looking questions: what is real? who am I? what is the truth? is there a truth?

Infinite feedback loop.

I realize that some of these answers will be found outside because the extreme introspection can lead to danger.

After all, the apple doesn't fall from the tree, does it.

Turd Or Toad

Today's lesson was misplaced anger.

Rather than directing the anger inward at the root and true cause, it was directed outward to innocent bystanders. Why? Jeez, pick one. Because they were there. Because it was easier to explode than to reflect. Because inflicting pain rather than accepting responsibility and thus causing internal pain is a lesson little boys don't readily learn or aren't taught at all. Because no time was taken to avoid an automatic action or reaction. Because I'm a turd (sometimes). Because I'm human and still learning.

Today's listening pleasure (because the crazy cookie monster vocals matched my mood) was: Opeth's Ghost Reveries. Nice mix between brute strength and masculine beauty creates a powerful force.

Mon Coeur

"Et, comme le soleil dans son enfer polaire,
Mon coeur sera plus qu'un bloc rouge et glace."

From: Chant D'Automne by Charles Baudelaire.

Today's listening pleasure: Marillion, Misplaced Childhood.

Walking In Your Footsteps

Took some extra time during lunchtime today and went to see A. She looks tired but that's to be expected. She had her second treatment yesterday and it seems to be helping. We went for a walk around the grounds and after about ten minutes I asked if she was tired and wanted to go back in. She responded in a most feisty way. Told me she was in the hospital for her head not her body. Sounds more like her regular self. Not sure anymore if this is a good thing or not. I'm tired and need some space and/or time to regain some clarity but that's not an option right now.

Good But Hard

Sometimes the hardest thing in the world to say is "I don't know".

But it can also be the best thing in the world to say in many cases.

Sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to say "I was wrong".

But it can also be the best thing in the world to say in many cases.

Sometimes the hardest thing in the world to say is "I'm sorry".

But it is the best thing to say.

Are you listening world?

Lazy

Extremely tired today. The pace of the last two weeks has been unsustainable. Unfocused, fragmented and lazy. I could not reach a centerto get myself back on track so I did what I learned recently is one of the things that sometimes help me in these situations: I up and left the office early, got home and plopped myself on the couch and read a little. Something totally unrelated to work. I'm not sure Tenzing would approve.

Now normally I would fight my way to the center, but today it just felt too much like a losing battle. I realize that I could and should have done things differently but screw it, not today.

I didn't even visit A. I'll pay for that later. I always do.

Today's reading pleasure (no music today, no not even Deep Purple): Michael Reynold's Hemingway biographies. There were always two stories in Hemingway's fiction and life; one on the surface, and one buried beneath the public display.

Palpable Heat

Lovely day. Brisk yet sunny enough to fire up the barbeque and cook up some spring lamb chops and down a beer or two. Raked up some of the detritus of winter and unveiled a few bulbs. Crocus I think. Bright bluish purple flowers against a dark tan and brown crud was striking. It felt good to get my hands moist with the earth. The ladybugs and worms didn't like my jostling them about, but I was gentle.

Went to the hospital around 7:30pm but didn't stay past the end of visiting hours this time. I was very tired and the heat generated by the patients just about wiped me out. Or maybe the staff just keep the ward overheated.

I sensed that A. both did and did not want me there. This is actually a good sign.

Didn't stay to talk to anybody tonight. Just waved hello and goodbye. G. introduced me to her mother in the elevator as had been allowed to go out for a walk. She brought back chocolates for the others. Some weren't quite sure how to say thank you but they all found a way to express it.

I never thought much about the expression "heavy heart" but driving home I felt a presure in or on my chest that I've never felt before.

Listen to your body. It has many things to say to you.

Today's listening pleasure (in the morning only): Bob Marley, Songs of Freedom. Marley singing, "...songs of freedom, they're all I ever had..." in Redemption Song always makes me misty.

Love Cannot Bear

Went to the hospital to see A. again this evening. She's walking around with firmer steps and her face has still retained the natural unlined look of yesterday. She's aware that she's causing pain to others now, which is good news as it means she may have reached the bottom step and is looking back up the stairs if not the skylight. Two days ago I would have said she was ready to lie on the floor, face down and never look back up again. Spoke to her about time and need and stroked her shoulders. Her neck muscles are not hard as ice anymore. I promised to cook up some soup and bring some for lunch as she's not eating any of the food on offer. She needs to eat.

The others were upset as they missed smoking time. The ward is run pretty tight and they can only smoke at certain hours of the day. When the cigarettes failed to show at the appropriate time, even the Big Chief spoke up. A. tells me he hasn't said a word in five days. I don't know his name but he reminds me of the chief in Kesey's novel except for the black and swollen eye and cuts on his cheeks.

I talk to G. for awhile and she gives me the usual paranoia. I'm not sure how much to believe about her talk of judges and court orders and how the staff are plotting to keep her ignorant because she's studying law and could get them all fired.

V. is around and chatters on. She looks familiar but I can't place where I might have seen her before. Later I find that I did meet her years ago where she used to work.

Listen to Mrs. B. for awhile as it looks as if the staff are having a hard time with her son. He continues pacing while his mother assures me that he'll be fine if the staff will just verify the medication and maybe up it a little. The implications of her request trouble me.

Partly, they're just lonely. It is quite boring here.

Tonight's listening pleasure: Robert Fripp, Love Cannot Bear. Upon first listening, the first thing that came to mind is that his soundscapes have matured.