Dream 8

Walking through endless corridors, looks like a school, I'm looking for someone but can't find them. No panic, just lots of walking. Others are also walking. Calmly but all in the same general direction. Then all in the exact same direction. I'm still looking for someone, a girl. But I never find her. The school looks familiar, like the elementary school I attended but a thousand times bigger. Finally I feel like I'm nearing the exit or some sort of end but I still haven't found the girl. I wake.

Haiku 9

back from the deadly
society suicide
rat race, avoided

Haiku 8

sparrow lives and breathes
like an arrow speeding down
to pierce the earthworm

Stupid Wedding Songs

Went to a couple of weddings recently and was struck by the main dance songs chosen by the couples.

All I Want Is You by U2, Every Breath You Take by The Police, This One Goes Out To The One I Love by REM?

Have these people ever actually listened to the words to these songs? WTF.

Question For The Day

Education today, the state of teachers, what parents need to do to ensure children have a good education and what does "good" education mean exactly.

Is rote learning, learning by example or matrix thinking the best solution?

Are letter or number grades better than more amorphous or non-existent grading?

What are school boards spending time on political discussions rather than teaching children how to think and why they think a certain way?

Is it too much too ask?

Haiku 7

noise making music
beat the drum quietly now
stop now, ah, music

Haiku 6

attempting haiku
is like grasping clear water
with a mind shovel

Haiku 5

sun dappled apple
slightly out of reach, beyond
even the winter

stays high above the
ground frosted fingers that try
to exceed their grasp

Haiku 4

silverfish crawls on
back of envelope towards
a just reward, splat

Hey, I didn't say they would all be good!

Just practicing here and also freeing the mind.

Haiku 3

leaves float then tumble
awakened by season's call
feed withering heart

Haiku 2

alone, in the dark

paranoia grows like wild

cliches run amok

Life During Wartime

Uh,Oh!?!

The Void

Falling asleep, I am scared of the void.

In deep sleep, I no longer fear the void though I am in it.

Waking, I am scared of the void.

Cookie...Mmmmm

Enough seriousness for one day.

I don't really like fortune cookies...What does it all mean?!?

You Are a Fortune Cookie

You're a rather normal person, except that you have extraordinary luck in life. People want to be around you (even when they're a little sick of you), in hopes of being lucky too!

What Kind of Cookie Are You?

No Vision

What the hell. We might just as well ban people from the freaking planes. Wouldn't that solve all our problems?

Please...people in charge...understand the problem, test solutions, fix the problem.

Repeat as needed.

A Thought

The distance between two points is the size of a metaphorical heart.

A Way

It bears repeating, as many times as necessary, like a mantra.

If we realize that suffering is what we have when we desire, then perhaps being content is a counter-action to desire.

A Wise Man

A once not so wise man said:

Persist in the face of failure.

A wiser man said:

Turn a seeming disadvantage into an advantage.

Possibilities

Forgive me for yesterday's post. Although a true statement of my feelings, it was done in a moment of weakness.

If possible, you should help others.

If that is not possible, at least you should do no harm.

If that is not possible, consult time, place and situation to determine action.

If that is not possible, consult your body.

The Lost World

You know, I'm getting a little fucking tired of these guys.

Listen, you are going to make even bleeding heart apologist liberals want to blow you, your fucking insane ideology and the earth you walk on clear out of this world.

So stop. Now. Fuck.

Content

If we realize that suffering is what we have when we desire, then perhaps being content is a counter-action to desire.

If we realize that in desiring we are searching for contentendness, then why not just be content from the start.

Daily Practice Part 4

Summary of Daily Practice.

Part 4:

Divide the self into two.

Divide the self into two - the real self and the other, automatic person. Examine motives through self-observation and notice when actions proceed from habit or automatic behaviour. Slow down.

Daily Practice Part 3

Summary of Daily Practice.

Part 3:

Become aware that one truth in life is suffering.

Everyone goes through pain whether physical or mental. What we experience as pleasure, is mostly a diminishment of pain. We are in the habit of reacting automatically; we become addicted to feeling good instead of realizing that it is always temporary and thus may be a habit from which we need to see that it occurs and free ourselves. This is not to say that we should abandon actions that make us feel good, just abandon the notion that the feeling is innate in the thing. Eating one chocolate bar is pleasurable to me. Eating seven chocolate bars becomes painful. It is not the chocolate bar that gives pleasure or pain. The chocolate bar is meaningless. The actions and intentions are meaningful. Eat one intsead of seven and realize that it is temporary.

The Silent Minority

I just took a closer look at the Maps function on my blog.

Wow.

Um, thank you very much.

Advice To A Friend Part 3

Question everything. Even the advice given to you and especially those who give the advice. Use your own talents! Use your own brain! It's all there, waiting to be used. What are you waiting for?

Advice To A Friend Part 2

It is not useful (well not too useful) to be constantly pulled two ways or more.

It is not useful to have energy dissipated by attempting to be more than one person.

Follow your own advice dammit.

Physician, heal thyself.

Daily Practice Part 2

Summary of Daily Practice.

Part 2:

Abandon non-virtuous behaviour.

These include the easy (wel for most) things like killing and stealing but also acts such as sexual misconduct, lying, divisive talk, harsh speech, senseless chatter, covetousness, wrong views and perhaps most importantly but most miss-understood, harmful intent.

Daily Practice Part 1

Summary of Daily Practice.

Part 1:

Examine your motives.

Continuously ask yourself why am I doing, saying, thinking the way I am doing, saying and thinking. Examine not just the good parts but the bad and the vague and the sharp too.

Questions And Answers, Sometimes

People ask me why I ask questions on this blog but sometimes don't answer them.

Uh, it's because I don't know the answer and it beats sitting at a barstool, leaning over a brew and asking the drunk next to me.

Well, only just.

Remedial Philosophy

Is it possible to create art that says absolutely nothing about the artist? If this were possible, would the art have any usefulness to the artist or viewer?

Never Again

...the end of World War 2 on May 8, 1945 meant little except that the bombing came to an end; the killing went on...

From The Struggle For Europe by William I. Hitchcock, Anchor Books, New York, 2003, page 8.

The killing always goes on, whether there is war or not. Since Cain and Abel and probably even before that to our primordial ancestors, trampling each other in a mad effort to ooze out of the pre-historic slime.

Subtext

"Tom, how badly do you feel?"
"I don't know. How badly can you feel?"

From Islands In The Stream by Ernest Hemingway, Scribners, New York, 2004, 14th printing, page 335.

Dead Birds

I work in a moderately tall building for the area it is in. Eight stories high but set in a residential area but also facing a vast empty lot that borders a highway. I am one of those lucky enough to have a cubicle next to a window and am able to see the sun and clouds and constant coming and going of cars in the parking lot. Because the building is in a residential neighborhood there are many trees with many birds living among them. The birds see to be extremely attracted to the windows in my building because every day I hear them crashing into the floors above and below me. Once in awhile I even see they hit near me. This is a perfect symbol for my existence in this building.

Grass

You know, I have these amazingly insightful and wise thoughts whenever I'm cutting (mowing) the grass (lawn) - see I'm bilingual - it's just that I can never remember them once I've stopped.

Then again, the above may be the full extent of these superb thoughts. How would I know...I can't remember.

Doe Do

Mike Doe said:

"Our perception of time is not accurate.

Flowers do not decay, they are eaten.

Water does not flow downhill. The actions of two bodies with non-zero mass (ie. The earth and the water) causes a distortion of space-time such that the two bodies move towards each other.

Sometimes our perceptions are just not accurate reflections of reality.

When a leaf falls off a tree the earth will be drawn to the leaf and the leaf to the earth. If the leaf was the size of the earth it would be an equal match. Since the leaf is much smaller than the earth the earth tends to stay put.

That is the physics.

The rest is our intepretation of what we perceive. It is workable but it is not accurate."

Always try to look beyond the surface. That's where the treasure lies.

Time Passages

Why am I not so different from yesterday but so different from tomorrow? What am I waiting for?

Am I Going Insane

Insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time.

So change the doing, or better yet, change the expectation.

Failure

Today I realized that though twenty years may go by and another twenty again, we can keep on making the same life mistake. The mistake is warm and cozy, like an old favourite sweater, and it is thus so much easier to put it on and fail rather than buy a new one and fail.

The Island And The Stream

Reading Hemingway's Islands In The Stream...A book about Hemingway talking to himself through too similar characters. The end was near.

Stabbed In The Back

The past and future of a right-wing myth.

The Veil

Nothing like a good dose of cold rain water on a hot day to remember that reality is just there, floating above the illusion, just reach out and draw your perception of the firmament away...

Going Nowhere But Arriving Somewhere

Today I left my home at 6:30 am, flew over 7000 kilometres, saw 3 airports and their surroundings, the flat fields of the mid-west, the rockies, the great and not so great lakes and 3 great cities (from the air), only to arrive back home moments ago. Boy are my arms tired. Badaboom.

What would my ancestors have thought.

Beer Thoughts

Overheard in a local bar:

"I'm not asking about the truth. I'm asking about what you perceive to be the truth. After all, the truth is immaterial. It's what you believe that counts."

Too Much Thinking

Is the contemplation of what is considered an immoral act in the society/culture one participates in, the same as the performing of the immoral act?

And when is the immoral act justifiable?

And how do you make sure the justifications are truthful/right/correct?

Anti-Koyaanisqatsi

Today everything worked in unison. I accepted my weaknesses and strengths, and in accepting, moved beyond them. Strangely, I can't seem to find the Hopi word for life in balance on the internet though...

The Stillness

the stillness
of the mind
after a good rest

Good To Be Home

I loved being on vacation, but I must admit, it's good to be home.

Vacation

Well, it's time for a vacation. A real one, with beach and pool and drinks and the life-giving sun and water. After the last few months of confusion, we really need it. See you all when I'm a bit more tanned (or in about a week).

Pictures Of You

If only I'd thought of the right words...

Inappropriate Thoughts

I'm burning today. And it's not just the heat.

Silencer

I shut it all off today. Phones, computers, TV, radio, stereo, books and newspapers. All of it. The silence was splendid. The world felt more real as I opened my senses to it rather than inundating myself with what basically amounts to noise. Some great noise (I still love music and books), but still noise.

The Grays

I wonder...In this day and age and time...Who is more delusional:

The person who knows they have been abducted by aliens.

Or...

The person who knows they have not been adbucted by aliens.

Pleasures Of This World

One way to control temptation, I suppose, is to give in to it. Revel in the enticing whatever and eventually it too becomes banal. Then you move on to the next temptation. Eventually, once you have enjoyed all the pleasures of this world, you may be able to move on to the next one.

Again

Lots of wasted energy again today. These bouts seem to occur far too regularly to be coincidence or just plain laziness. They are also extremely boring to keep talking about here. Must see A.

Love Will Find A Way

I went to sleep humming the song Love Will Find A Way by Yes. I dreamt and in the dream I heard the same song. When I awoke this morning, guess which song was on the radio...Yes. Not sure what this means if anything. probably just a coll coincidence. Because I don't even like that particular song.

Big Guy

There are may levels of 'bigness'.

Spiritual, mental, physical and probably a few others I've missed.
I believe that being 'big' in one or two aspects creates 'bigness' in the overall person.

Or so I keep telling myself...

NIMBY

My backyard sometimes is just as bad as my neighbours, sometimes even worse. Lots of mosquitos. The thing is, my backyard is so small and insignificant in many ways, that it seems there is only my neighbour's backyard to talk and complain about. My neighbour's backyard takes up so much physical, mental and spiritual space that it sometime usurps any mindful thinking of my own backyard. I mean, my neighbour's backyard is so full of shubbery that I'm alnost certain that all the mosquitos are coming from there. And sometime I believe I like it that way. This also is not good. After all, I really have no idea where all these mosquitos are really coming from.

Primary

Why hasn't this story about Robert F. Kennedy Jr. suing Diebold, the makers of the election machines in Ohio, been given more notice in mainstream media? I mean, it's only about an election in the worlds' only remaining superpower. It's only about cheating and stealing, things we tell our children not to do...or do we? If you think that in todays corporate world, that things don't get done by politics and old-boys networks in spite of the Enron's of the world...well, just come work for my company and see the greed at a lower level...

Kindness

Sometimes, it's better to be kind than to be right.

Metempsychosis

Happy Bloomsday everyone! Enjoy it in spite of it all.

End Of Days

Slightly ironic that this is posted today of all days. And sad, too.

Attachment

Attachment can equal death.

Sad Day

There is one thing (probably among many) the neo-conservative and the terrorist has in common...they have both been brought up to look no farther than their own nose.

Sugar And Spice

I found myself telling my youngest daughter recently that sometimes little boys show that they like little girls in unusual ways, such as teasing them or calling them names. Then it struck me...might we be creating women who accept abuse (in at least its verbal form) later on in life by using such stories so early on...

Reasonably Unreasonable

Today I was told that I was being reasonably unreasonable. I assume they meant that my polite yet firm manner in saying no to a request was annoying the hell out of them. Suits me.

And You And I

The universe is not here for you or me. The universe just is. You and I, though, are here for each other and so we should act like it.

To A Friend

No one should have to be an emotional yo-yo for anyone. Stop giving that other person the control. Listen to yourself because you actually do know the difference between what is right and what is wrong; you just choose to ignore that voice. Just let go and it will find you.

Baser Nature

Sometimes the journey feels like one step forward, two steps back. I realize that this is as cliche as you can get but it is nevertheless true.

Tonight it felt more like ten steps back as my baser nature took control, no that's not right, better to be honest, I allowed my baser nature to come forward and manifest itself in all its (my) pre-historic, fight or flight glory.

I just wouldn't let go... and that can be very dangerous for all involved.

So, one way to deal with it is to own up: Yes, it was my fault.

Next is to examine why: Because I wanted a confrontation.

Next is to apologize, preferably publically: I'm sorry.

Last is to let it go: There, it's gone.

Crime As Art

KEVIN JACKSON: Certain parts of the book (Cocaine Nights) advance rather unorthodox ideas about crime: that crime cements a community and that, in more concrete terms, it can be seen as a kind of performance art.

JG BALLARD: Well, the main character has stumbled on a way of waking people up. Life for them becomes keener, sharper, and so these people become more prepared to explore their own imaginations. They’re no longer passive. I’m not suggesting we should all leave our doors unlocked; or that we should burgle our neighbours, who, enriched by the experience, will then bring the violin down from the attic and entertain us with a string quartet… Rather, I think we need to look at the world we inhabit and see how these social aggressions are manufactured. It may be that a civilised life comes at a price.

This monoculture that is emerging, a world of noisy, intruding horror: you just want to get on with what you’re doing, which is nothing. These security-suburbs are a way of shutting out the world, like static on a TV set. The British, especially, have retreated into their own homes. We’re obsessed with a material space where we can define all the elements that make up our lives."

Emphasis mine.

From an interview with J.G. Ballard, summer 1997.

Shared Humanity

Shared humanity.

The act of being human and all that conjures up is what we share.

The Punisher

In honour of X-Men 3 coming out in theaters and Superman ready to go later this summer, I thought it was time to get a little less serious.

So, what gritty comic book character are you?

The Greatest Game

Good. A Canadian team is in the Stanley Cup playoffs. As it should be. Go Oilers!

Division Of Attention Part 2

Another thought following from yesterday's experience:

How to not lose spontaneity which, in my mind, can be integral to a warm and pleasurable part of a communication process.

The division of attention and subsequent self-examination can make the interactions be in danger of having a robotic feel.

Division Of Attention

Easy, easy...My head was about to insert itself so far up my posterior that it was in danger of disappearing completely.

Stopping, having a part of myself (was it my consciousness? ego? my real self?) step outside of the conversation (time?) and observe what was happening helped to bring about the realization that I was being a) an ass, b) insufferable, c) a braggart, and d) really annoying. All at the same time.

So the steps taken were:

1: Have a part of myself stop participating in the interactions and step outside of the moment.
2: Observe myself as I was interacting.
3: Observe others in interaction with myself.
4: Make necessary changes to behaviour in accordance with previously defined rules. For simplicity's sake one golden rule was used: be polite.

That's when I started to change, almost a transformation as the inward change manifested itself in outward conduct and mannerisms. I realized that I was far happier this way even though I was far more interesting (I thought) the other way.

It was then remarkable how when I changed, the others changed as well. Sometimes the change was as subtle as a slight shifting in body position that looked like a release of tension and was confirmed as such through more overt examples such as smiles (quicker), hand gestures (more physical touching), tone of voice (slightly lower, less quivers) and eyes (more direct contact). Overall the interactions became somewhat smoother and slightly of more substance as people started to relax and trust.

Things still to do:

1: Understand which part of me stepped out of time (so to speak).
2: Practice this division of attention.
3: Further define the rules for behavior.

Sunshiny Day

After two solid weeks of cloudy skies and rain, I woke up to a shiny, sunny day. It's amazing what a little sunlight can do for your mood. Makes you wonder about attachment to things you can not control. Wow, my first post in the daylight hours in a very long time!

Today's listening pleasure: Holly Cole, The Best of the Holly Cole Trio. Love the power and yet subtlety in that voice, love the simplicity in the instrumentation that still drives the song forward, love the whole of the seemingly simplistic parts.

Quiet

Couldn't sleep last night. Anxiety attacks. Things left undone and unsaid weigh upon the mind and soul and manifest in the body.

Lately I've been trying a technique to clear the mind from the constant noise it produces. It is focusing on literally nothing, trying to still the mind so that no thoughts come through at all. It's not exactly turning the mind off as it is just quieting it. Hard to explain, but it does help me sleep.

Last night was difficult and it was very hard to focus. I know (of course, as do we all if we are honest with ourselves) what needs to be done to avoid the anxiety in the first place but the trick is doing it. A sad refrain in my life.

Big Screen TV

Today I harvested the fruit of my physical labours.

Tomorrow I start to seed again, again.

As long as you're willing to pay the price, you can do pretty much anything. The thing is, the price may not be what you think it will be*.

*I know I've said this before but I believe it bears repeating.

Thank You Universe

Some days you try your best to let things slip. Today was one of those days. Luckily the day seemed to re-start every time I tripped over myself to let things slide. Whatever sorry-ass action I attempted, whether starting to yell, feel sorry for myself, sniff, cough, look forlorn, burn toast, scratch and talk, the day seemed to rewind and resume from a proper place. The universe is ready to help if only we'll let it. By universe, I mean all of us, sentient, animals, vegetation, insects, rock and earth, fire and water, air and sky and everything else.

A Good Day

Today was a good day. Spent time with the children. Felt like I gave a good life lesson to my son (and he actually absorbed it). I feel complete right now; like my proper work has been accomplished for this day at least.

The Untold Story Is Still Untold, Sorry

I haven't written about A. in a while. Mostly it's been from an irrational moral cowardice of some kind. Much like those natives who feared losing their souls to cameras, I am somewhat scared of writing about her and causing risk to her essence. It's partly from being tired. It's partly from not wanting to. I will write more about her in the future because she's worth it and the story needs to be told. I know; them's fightin' words!

The Lie

Why does the lie sometimes come so easily to the mouth. It gets out into the world before the brain even has time to register what was said. From what part of the body/mind/soul is the lie coming from.

I'd better stop drinking now.

Deep Thoughts While Eating Donuts

It's funny how the body tells you what you should be doing. It started with a slight headache while at work and spending far too much time looking at a computer screen. It then developed into a migraine on the way home through horrific traffic and even more horrific news reports. It then finally ended up with me sleeping for twelve hours straight, something I haven't done since an infant. Yet still I'm not up to speed today. That's because the underlying issues resulting in the too much computer time, not changing the station while in the car and others remain. Like any good physician will tell you, you need to cure the disease, not the symptom.

Rebellion

In every activity I do for my employer I place one small, tiny flaw.

It's my (probably immature) way of "stickin' it to the man".

Rebellion is the first flaw.

The Trouble With Normal

The more I think about what might be normal, the more I think there is no such thing.

Today's listening pleasure: Bruce Cockburn - Stealing Fire. Excellent lyrically, accessible musically, Cockburn loses some of the Canadian tree hugging hippy persona and goes global. A personal yet highly political album that doesn't sound so strange even 20 years later. You know, a lot of the same characters are still around in political circles all over the world. The more things change...

Easy

It would be so easy...A stolen moment, a kiss and a smile. Then...paradise lost.

Intensity

Someone told me I'm scary when I'm intense. Tonight I was so focused on what needed to be done because we were undermanned that it was absolutely imperative to be so intensely focused and determined. It's funny, because on the one hand in this society we're told to work hard, be strong, be single-minded, firm, dogged and be focused on the task at hand. Then we get heck for being too freakin' intense.

Connections

If this blog does anything for anyone else, I would love for it to make connections between disparate peoples and cultures. I realize that this is an aim that may be beyond my abilities at this point in time, but I'm certain that if I don't make the attempt, no matter the ineptness, it probably won't happen. The idea is to not have my ineptness damage the connection or possibilities for connections.

Certainty And Doubt

Sometimes I'll randomly pull a book from the shelf and open up to a random page and read a paragraph, hoping that the universe has somehow chosen wisely.

This evening this is what I read:

It was not freedom which the industrial era had lost - for technology was ultimately a liberating force - but certainty. While the Renaissance, which Lawrence so much despised, had introduced rational enlightenment, it had also introduced doubt, which he would later call 'our modern crown of thorns'.

Michael Asher - Lawrence: The Uncrowned King of Arabia, Penguin Books 1999, page 55.

Falling

It's usually the eyes that get me first. I'm hooked by their shape and colour and most especially the way they twinkle in a certain light and scrunch up to look at me with unabashed humour and fun. The rest is just falling.

Todays listening pleasure: Dire Straits, Romeo & Juliet from Making Movies. If you haven't heard one of the better songwriters in this or any year, you owe it to yourself to get a hold of Mark Knopfler's music somehow. Whether with Dire Straits or solo, his natural, bluesy, acoustically energetic guitar playing and seemingly effortless, romantic tunefullness will certainly make you a fan. Highly recommended.

I Stand On Guard For Thee

You know, I don't hate the U.S. Nor do I hate Canada or the U.K. or Europe or China or even Iran. I hate some of the things the political leaders of these countries do in defiance of all reason and mindfulness but I don't hate the people. I hate the way they have twisted basic moral and compassionate teachings to further their own commercial or idealogical ends but I don't hate the society or the culture. I hate the death perpetrated for "geo-strategic policy" but I don't hate the people. In fact I criticize and remain vigilant because I love. Isn't that basic parenting?

I Am Large And Contain Multitudes

I can love rock and jazz and classical. I can love action movies and romantic comedies and dark tragedies. I can love redheads and blondes and brunettes. I can love genre fiction and symbolist poetry and surrrealistic short stories and biographies. I can love spicy food and greek food and sushi and steak and quiche. I can laugh and cry and be mad and ponder and everything in between. And so can you.

The Search For God Part 2

To celebrate the uncelebratable.

To love the unloveable.

To feel the unfeeleable.

To use the unuseable.

To consider the inconsiderable.

To care for the uncareable.

To be gentle to the ungentle.

To be thoughtful to the unthoughtful.

To be helpful to the unhelpful.

To want the unwanted.

To give meaning to the meaningless.

To tend the untendable.

To nurse the un-nursable.

To unburden the burdened.

To wake the sleeping.

The Search For God

To express the inexpressible.

To describe the indescribable.

To define the undefinable.

To comprehend the incomprehensible.

To penetrate the impenetrable.

To determine the ineffable.

Words Of Wisdom

Think, protest and survive.

Sense And Senselessness

The smell of vinegar. That's what set me off the other day. It took a while for me to process the anger, think through the rage and fear and depression. It took some time and distance to observe myself and realize the real. The smell of vinegar. The fear now is that the intensity of feeling seems to be growing each time. It's not getting harder to control but it is taking longer to understand the sense and come out from under the senselessness. The smell of vinegar. Such a simple thing.

Out Of The Funk

Black-ass mood continued today so I don't feel much like talking. Hope tomorrow the cycle ends. Starting to wonder if I need pharmaceutical assistance as it's getting harder to snap myself out of the funk by the usual methods.

Black-Ass Mood

Recipe for a black-ass* mood.

Home invasion in the morning means I can't enjoy a saturday paper on the sunny porch. Errands then start too soon and I feel like I've been chased from my home. The children, sensing weakness, decide to not co-operate in any way. It continues with no lunch, shopping at the local super store with everyone else in town and no supper. To top it all off, a visit with the in-laws.

I know, I know. Get over yourself. Bet you had a freakin' good day though so you know where you can shove your advice.

*No slur or derogatory racist comment is intended by this phrase. Aplogies to anyone offended. Get over yourself.

Doing Right

Sometimes being a good parent and doing right by your children means swallowing the immature need to rectify the injustice of the past. Both yours and your childrens'.

Employee Motivation

All right, so I blew my cool today at work. I mean the day started OK, the kids co-operated in the morning, it was a bright sunny day and I had completed a task by 10am that I thought might take more than half the day. Then it happened. While discussing the financials of a project I'm involved in, I questioned one of my employees on a number that she is responsible for and is a key component of the assumptions I am working under. My questions was, I thought, fairly innocent and simple: while looking ata spreadhseet I asked "How did you come up with this number?" Her body immediately took a defensive stance and without saying anything she left my office muttering about the spreadsheet we were looking at. She came back about five minutes later, still defensive as her tone of voice indicated, and started asking me why I was looking at a particular spreadsheet and that I should always come to her when I need a number and she started going on about how hard it was to update the data and how I didn't understand what I was looking at and on and on. I listened and tried at the end (I thought) of her rant to give her some guidance on how to prepare and update the data with an example but she kept interrupting. No, not interrupting but not even listening to me. Every time I would try to start a sentence she would continue to speak, continue to complain how I didn't understand the difficulty she was under and on and on. Now, usually, I let her go on until she tires herself out and start my speach. To her credit, when she actually stops to listen she does retain what she's been told and usually does an excellent job. But today I grew so impatient because I could tell she felt I was accusing her of something and she simply would not stop talking. I finally raised my voice and talked over her. And boy did I raise my voice and ket her have it. She looked shocked but she listened. She even cried a little. Now I'm not exactly proud of making her cry but she needed the yelling. After a few minutes of me blowing my top we were able to get on the same page and have a productive discussion and eventually uncovered what I needed to uncover. She actually aplogized to me for not letting me talk and I aplogized for yelling. Later my boss, who had heard everything as his office was right next to mine, came in said that I was absolutely correct in everything I said and you sometimes do need to use different methods with certain people and that might even include yelling. I probably shouldn't have lost my cool but man was she ever annoying. Whew, just had to get that off my chest.

Cycles

There seem to be cycles to my life and they seem to follow an ambiguous path as it seems to be a roughly lunar one. This surprises me somewhat as I am not female. It also seems to affect less apparent phenomenon such as mood as much as facial hair growth. Is it some primordial tidal response in the blood? Or is it all in my head? Probably a bit of both.

As an aside, I seem to say that a lot: Probably a bit of both. Believe it or not, it is not an incapacity to make a decision but a realization that life is not black and white but multiple shades of all visible and invisible colours.