The Untold Story Is Still Untold, Sorry

I haven't written about A. in a while. Mostly it's been from an irrational moral cowardice of some kind. Much like those natives who feared losing their souls to cameras, I am somewhat scared of writing about her and causing risk to her essence. It's partly from being tired. It's partly from not wanting to. I will write more about her in the future because she's worth it and the story needs to be told. I know; them's fightin' words!

The Lie

Why does the lie sometimes come so easily to the mouth. It gets out into the world before the brain even has time to register what was said. From what part of the body/mind/soul is the lie coming from.

I'd better stop drinking now.

Deep Thoughts While Eating Donuts

It's funny how the body tells you what you should be doing. It started with a slight headache while at work and spending far too much time looking at a computer screen. It then developed into a migraine on the way home through horrific traffic and even more horrific news reports. It then finally ended up with me sleeping for twelve hours straight, something I haven't done since an infant. Yet still I'm not up to speed today. That's because the underlying issues resulting in the too much computer time, not changing the station while in the car and others remain. Like any good physician will tell you, you need to cure the disease, not the symptom.

Rebellion

In every activity I do for my employer I place one small, tiny flaw.

It's my (probably immature) way of "stickin' it to the man".

Rebellion is the first flaw.

The Trouble With Normal

The more I think about what might be normal, the more I think there is no such thing.

Today's listening pleasure: Bruce Cockburn - Stealing Fire. Excellent lyrically, accessible musically, Cockburn loses some of the Canadian tree hugging hippy persona and goes global. A personal yet highly political album that doesn't sound so strange even 20 years later. You know, a lot of the same characters are still around in political circles all over the world. The more things change...

Easy

It would be so easy...A stolen moment, a kiss and a smile. Then...paradise lost.

Intensity

Someone told me I'm scary when I'm intense. Tonight I was so focused on what needed to be done because we were undermanned that it was absolutely imperative to be so intensely focused and determined. It's funny, because on the one hand in this society we're told to work hard, be strong, be single-minded, firm, dogged and be focused on the task at hand. Then we get heck for being too freakin' intense.

Connections

If this blog does anything for anyone else, I would love for it to make connections between disparate peoples and cultures. I realize that this is an aim that may be beyond my abilities at this point in time, but I'm certain that if I don't make the attempt, no matter the ineptness, it probably won't happen. The idea is to not have my ineptness damage the connection or possibilities for connections.

Certainty And Doubt

Sometimes I'll randomly pull a book from the shelf and open up to a random page and read a paragraph, hoping that the universe has somehow chosen wisely.

This evening this is what I read:

It was not freedom which the industrial era had lost - for technology was ultimately a liberating force - but certainty. While the Renaissance, which Lawrence so much despised, had introduced rational enlightenment, it had also introduced doubt, which he would later call 'our modern crown of thorns'.

Michael Asher - Lawrence: The Uncrowned King of Arabia, Penguin Books 1999, page 55.

Falling

It's usually the eyes that get me first. I'm hooked by their shape and colour and most especially the way they twinkle in a certain light and scrunch up to look at me with unabashed humour and fun. The rest is just falling.

Todays listening pleasure: Dire Straits, Romeo & Juliet from Making Movies. If you haven't heard one of the better songwriters in this or any year, you owe it to yourself to get a hold of Mark Knopfler's music somehow. Whether with Dire Straits or solo, his natural, bluesy, acoustically energetic guitar playing and seemingly effortless, romantic tunefullness will certainly make you a fan. Highly recommended.

I Stand On Guard For Thee

You know, I don't hate the U.S. Nor do I hate Canada or the U.K. or Europe or China or even Iran. I hate some of the things the political leaders of these countries do in defiance of all reason and mindfulness but I don't hate the people. I hate the way they have twisted basic moral and compassionate teachings to further their own commercial or idealogical ends but I don't hate the society or the culture. I hate the death perpetrated for "geo-strategic policy" but I don't hate the people. In fact I criticize and remain vigilant because I love. Isn't that basic parenting?

I Am Large And Contain Multitudes

I can love rock and jazz and classical. I can love action movies and romantic comedies and dark tragedies. I can love redheads and blondes and brunettes. I can love genre fiction and symbolist poetry and surrrealistic short stories and biographies. I can love spicy food and greek food and sushi and steak and quiche. I can laugh and cry and be mad and ponder and everything in between. And so can you.

The Search For God Part 2

To celebrate the uncelebratable.

To love the unloveable.

To feel the unfeeleable.

To use the unuseable.

To consider the inconsiderable.

To care for the uncareable.

To be gentle to the ungentle.

To be thoughtful to the unthoughtful.

To be helpful to the unhelpful.

To want the unwanted.

To give meaning to the meaningless.

To tend the untendable.

To nurse the un-nursable.

To unburden the burdened.

To wake the sleeping.

The Search For God

To express the inexpressible.

To describe the indescribable.

To define the undefinable.

To comprehend the incomprehensible.

To penetrate the impenetrable.

To determine the ineffable.

Words Of Wisdom

Think, protest and survive.

Sense And Senselessness

The smell of vinegar. That's what set me off the other day. It took a while for me to process the anger, think through the rage and fear and depression. It took some time and distance to observe myself and realize the real. The smell of vinegar. The fear now is that the intensity of feeling seems to be growing each time. It's not getting harder to control but it is taking longer to understand the sense and come out from under the senselessness. The smell of vinegar. Such a simple thing.

Out Of The Funk

Black-ass mood continued today so I don't feel much like talking. Hope tomorrow the cycle ends. Starting to wonder if I need pharmaceutical assistance as it's getting harder to snap myself out of the funk by the usual methods.

Black-Ass Mood

Recipe for a black-ass* mood.

Home invasion in the morning means I can't enjoy a saturday paper on the sunny porch. Errands then start too soon and I feel like I've been chased from my home. The children, sensing weakness, decide to not co-operate in any way. It continues with no lunch, shopping at the local super store with everyone else in town and no supper. To top it all off, a visit with the in-laws.

I know, I know. Get over yourself. Bet you had a freakin' good day though so you know where you can shove your advice.

*No slur or derogatory racist comment is intended by this phrase. Aplogies to anyone offended. Get over yourself.

Doing Right

Sometimes being a good parent and doing right by your children means swallowing the immature need to rectify the injustice of the past. Both yours and your childrens'.

Employee Motivation

All right, so I blew my cool today at work. I mean the day started OK, the kids co-operated in the morning, it was a bright sunny day and I had completed a task by 10am that I thought might take more than half the day. Then it happened. While discussing the financials of a project I'm involved in, I questioned one of my employees on a number that she is responsible for and is a key component of the assumptions I am working under. My questions was, I thought, fairly innocent and simple: while looking ata spreadhseet I asked "How did you come up with this number?" Her body immediately took a defensive stance and without saying anything she left my office muttering about the spreadsheet we were looking at. She came back about five minutes later, still defensive as her tone of voice indicated, and started asking me why I was looking at a particular spreadsheet and that I should always come to her when I need a number and she started going on about how hard it was to update the data and how I didn't understand what I was looking at and on and on. I listened and tried at the end (I thought) of her rant to give her some guidance on how to prepare and update the data with an example but she kept interrupting. No, not interrupting but not even listening to me. Every time I would try to start a sentence she would continue to speak, continue to complain how I didn't understand the difficulty she was under and on and on. Now, usually, I let her go on until she tires herself out and start my speach. To her credit, when she actually stops to listen she does retain what she's been told and usually does an excellent job. But today I grew so impatient because I could tell she felt I was accusing her of something and she simply would not stop talking. I finally raised my voice and talked over her. And boy did I raise my voice and ket her have it. She looked shocked but she listened. She even cried a little. Now I'm not exactly proud of making her cry but she needed the yelling. After a few minutes of me blowing my top we were able to get on the same page and have a productive discussion and eventually uncovered what I needed to uncover. She actually aplogized to me for not letting me talk and I aplogized for yelling. Later my boss, who had heard everything as his office was right next to mine, came in said that I was absolutely correct in everything I said and you sometimes do need to use different methods with certain people and that might even include yelling. I probably shouldn't have lost my cool but man was she ever annoying. Whew, just had to get that off my chest.